…at The Honda? He just MIGHT!

His wounds must have healed up nicely, huh???…I can’t WAIT to hear what his Lawyer/Publicist, uh I mean, HE, has to say! I can only imagine his Families are gonna get back together!….His NIKE family (which is the most important of course) AND his “wife” family! (I hear Nike will NEVER “F” Tiger!….and, well, Elin might not either,????….Well, at least not “double penetration” style, like he’s now use to having!)

How much Nike is looking forward to this can only PALE in comparisson to what WE the public are expecting! NOW all you Tiger fans can watch Golf again!…YA,YA,YA,YA,YA,YA!!!!!!

Tiger Woods will end nearly three months of silence Friday when he speaks publicly for the first time since his middle-of-the-night car accident sparked stunning revelations of infidelity.

However, his agent said Woods will not take any questions from a small group of media.

“This is not a press conference,” Mark Steinberg said Wednesday.

It will be Woods’ first public appearance since Nov. 27, when he crashed his SUV into a tree outside his Florida home. Woods’ only comments since then have been made through his Web site.

“It will be good to see Tiger’s face again, and see that he’s actually out there somewhere,” Stewart Cink said. “I think this is the beginning of the comeback process for him.”

Woods is to speak at 11 a.m. Friday from the clubhouse at the TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla., home of the PGA Tour.

“This is all about the next step,” Steinberg said. “He’s looking forward to it.”

Still, there was strict control over the appearance, typical of Woods’ career.

Steinberg described the gathering as a “small group of friends, colleagues and close associates,” who will listen to Woods apologize as he talks about the past and what he plans to do next. He said three wire services have been invited — The Associated Press, Reuters and Bloomberg — and he asked the Golf Writers Association of America to recommend pool reporters.

Only one camera will be in the room to provide live coverage via satellite. Steinberg said other writers with proper credentials could watch from a hotel ballroom more than a mile away.

“The first time out, he’s better controlling it,” Padraig Harrington said. “Over time, there will be questions. At the moment, the best thing is a more controlled environment and gradually ease his way back into it.”

Steinberg said in an e-mail announcing the public appearance, “While Tiger feels that what happened is fundamentally a matter between he and his wife, he also recognizes that he has hurt and let down a lot of other people who were close to him. He also let down his fans. He wants to begin the process of making amends and that’s what he’s going to discuss.”

The timing is peculiar. It will be held during the third round of the Accenture Match Play Championship in Arizona, sure to steal attention away from the first big event of the year. Accenture was the first sponsor to drop Woods when he became embroiled in the sex scandal.

“He’s got to come out at some point,” Rory McIlroy said. “I suppose he might want to get something back against the sponsor that dropped him. No, I don’t know. It just went on for so long. I’m sick of hearing about it. And I’m just looking forward to when he’s getting back on the golf course.”

PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem said he did not think Woods’ appearance was going to undermine a World Golf Championship event.

“We have tournaments every week,” Finchem said. “I think it’s going to be a story in and of itself. A lot of people are going to be watching golf this week to see what the world of golf says about it, my guess is. So that will be a good thing.”

As far as the PGA Tour’s part in the Woods event, Finchem said: “We were asked to make the facility available and to help with the logistics. That’s what we’re doing.”

Steinberg said only that Woods’ appearance during the championship was “a matter of timing.” Asked if it could have waited until Monday, he said, “No.”

No other news conference this week drew a larger crowd of reporters than the 20 who surrounded Finchem, a testament to how Woods has dominated the conservation at the Match Play.

“We’re all better off when he’s playing,” Adam Scott said. “I’m curious as to when he’ll return to golf.”

As for the timing?

“It’s his choice,” Scott said. “I guess the tour is hosting it there.”

Woods made a spectacular fall from his perch atop golf. He was believed to have been the first athlete to gross $1 billion in earnings and endorsements and, at 14 majors, was closing in on golf’s record of 18 majors held by Jack Nicklaus.

It all collapsed in the early morning hours the day after Thanksgiving.

Over the last few months, Woods has been on the cover of gossip magazines and the butt of jokes on national talk shows.

In the days before Woods’ accident, a National Enquirer story alleged the world’s No. 1 golfer had been seeing a New York nightclub hostess. Following the crash, a stream of women came forward to claim they had romantic relationships with Woods. One woman provided Us Weekly magazine with a voicemail she said Woods left her three days before the crash, asking her to take his number off her phone.

Woods admitted to “infidelity” in a statement on his Web site in mid-December and has been on an indefinite break from golf ever since.

Ian Poulter, who went extra holes to win his opening match, was among those curious to hear what Woods had to say. His only hope was to hear about it later.

“Hopefully, I’ll be on the golf course and not listening to it,” he said

10 reasons why Woods won’t return to golf at The Accenture.

1) Accenture was the first major Woods sponsor to completely drop the golfer.

2) If Woods is indeed at a sex rehab clinic, he’ll have no virtually no time to practice for the event. The Masters isn’t until April.

3) As noted by PGA Tour pro-turned-Golf Channel analyst Brandel Chamblee to USA TODAY, at The Masters, Woods would be inside a bubble, away from the media hordes. At The Accenture, he’d be vulnerable to inevitable media circus.

4) Woods has said that 18-hole match play is golf’s most difficult competitive format. So why would he break his game back in under that circumstance?

5) Woods, who has played the Dove Mountain desert course that will host The Accenture a limited number of times, complained about the greens last year.

6) Woods made his comeback from knee surgery at The Accenture in 2009, and was unceremoniously bounced out of the tournament in the second round by Tim Clark.

7) Normal PGA Tour events span four days of competition. The Accenture features five days of play and players can log up 36 holes on each of the last two days. That for a player who has barely practiced with a chronic bad knee?

Golf reporter Gary Van Sickle, even before the Herald-Sun claim, reported for SI that Woods would not come back at The Accenture because, “he doesn’t care for desert golf. I could see him crossing the Match Play off his list permanently, or until Accenture reinstates him.”

9) Officials at The Accenture haven’t heard anything to suggest Woods will show up.

10) The nearest Perkins is 363 miles away in Bullhead City, Arizona:

The “Pass Interference” call in OT last night was B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T!!!!!
The NFL needs to get off of it’s high horse and figure out something about this Sudden Death OT shit!  If not in the regular season, then at least in the Playoffs and Superbowl!  How many times have we been watching a GREAT football game, just to see a bullshit pass interference in OT, that inevitably puts an astericks next to the game and questions in our minds???????

And for all the Farve haters out there……….BITE ME!

Farve is my kind of cat!  He’s a “Real” kind of guy and I love that.  He’s not always politically correct, he where’s his heart on his sleeve, and he plays the game because he “LOVES THE GAME”…..

If you can’t admire that, then your sorry ass didn’t get enough hugs as a child and you probably have a spouse at home telling you what a loser you are!  And they are RIGHT!!!!

SING IT LOUD!

…”I got a mistress
And a mistress for my mistress
My main girls gets an X5 for Christmas
Tried just one but they all so delicious
You got a full plate?
I got a whole set of dishes…”

………and;

“borrowed“..

 Welcome to Tigerland.

The biggest misconception about the Tiger cheating scandal is that Rachel Uchitel and Kalika Moquin, two of the first three women named by the tabloids, were his full-time lovers. They may have been at some point (especially Rachel, some say on numerous occasions) but that was not their primary function. No, Uchitel’s main job was to provide women for Tiger during his globetrotting excursions to various tournaments, charity functions and fuck-and-run private-jet weekends with his Fortune 500 party pals that he seemed to enjoy so much. Kalika Moquin? Many Las Vegas insiders doubt that she ever slept with Tiger. But she did set him up with some sweet VIP service at The Bank or at Bare like any good hostess would: a roomful of available girls with a certain look that Tiger wanted, flown in just for the occasion. This is the world of high-end nightclub VIP treatment, where velvet ropes guard comfy, cloistered areas with leathery couches and bottles of Grey Goose, everything catered to the wishes of the much sought-after professional athlete clientele. And, yes, sports fans, that means loading their velvet-roped stable with fake-boobied ponies to fuck. “The fact that people don’t understand that these affairs are well-orchestrated is pretty naive,” says one VIP concierge who has worked with Uchitel (we’ll call him “Serge” for the sake of not always having to say “VIP Concierge Number 1″ when using his quotes). “Rachel Uchitel works for Tiger the minute he gets off the plane wherever he is: from dinner, to photos, to nightclubs, to drugs, to girls — whatever he wants.”

And Tiger’s a mighty whale. Serge estimates she’s probably on retainer for about 10-15k per month to handle all his dirty business, and the tips for successful Tiger poontang-wrangling (among other things) could net her upwards of 50k in tips. Rachel knows not to mess around with somebody like Tiger; that whole “I didn’t bang Tiger!” charade she pulled with anybody who asked after the National Enquirer tailed her to Melbourne may have been somewhat true (meaning: she’s not his main chick), but Tiger’s probably not concerned with whatever she has to say about their true-or-false copulation activities — he’s more concerned that she knows how Tiger’s been feeding off a menu of 20-and-30-something bubbleheads for years provided to him by Uchitel via her concierge service. No, it’s not exactly prostitution — but these girls are flown in from LA to Vegas for a weekend of all-expenses and free drinks and admission into this world of über-rich sleaziness. If a famous athlete takes an interest, they certainly have the option to do whatever it is they want (no pressure!). So Rachel? She basically got caught in Melbourne on one of her many girl-corralling expeditions for one of her most important clients, which is a crucial part of her job.

“She knows everybody and everybody knows her,” Serge says. “The clubs pay her big money for the clients that she brings in. She’s not a f.cking floozy or nothing. She’s a real event planner. She’s not just some girl that lifts up the velvet rope and sucks guy’s dicks. She’s the kind of girl that when you talk to her, you know, she’s all business. She’s beautiful, she’s smart and her agenda is to land big clients — not big boyfriends.” And if Uchitel were to start dishing, then plenty of other Sportsmen of the Year — not to mention certain members of the media who cover them — would suffer a similar fate as Tiger. There are many, many, many doors that many, many, many people would prefer stay tightly closed for now.

So think of Rachel not as a spurned mistress but more as a faithful confidante in Woods’ elite inner circle. She knows where all the coochie is buried (even more than we know at this time), and if there has been any kind of financial transaction made for her silence, it was done with that in mind. Another equally viable alternative is that Rachel had the good sense to know she’ll have quite a career for herself in this “legit” business once all this Tiger mess has passed. She knows how to honor the omerta of all VIP hosts that Tiger paid big money for her to observe.

Same thing Kalika, whom Serge describes as a “goody-two-shoes” of the Vegas nightlife scene, someone who’s so meticulous about her work that she’d never entertain the notion of sleeping with Tiger simply because it would be very bad for business. “F.cking Tiger would be really terrible for her reputation as a marketing and event planner for these places. There’s big money in that. She’s legit, dude!” (Yes, Serge says, “Legit, dude!” just as you’d expect he would.)

The one girl who didn’t surprise anyone in this mess is budding reality star Jaimee Grubbs. According to VIP Concierge # 2 (let’s call him, I don’t know, “Jorge”), she was wrangled for a weekend, possibly by some folks at The Bank (where Kalika just so happened to work), but she was always such an attention whore that a kajillion-word Us Weekly article buttressed with saved text messages and voicemails fit her profile to a capital extra “E.” “Everyone on the scene knew who Jaimee was in Vegas the minute she stepped off the plane,” Jorge says. “She dated a guy at The Bank for a long time.” She had big plans, big dreams, she was gonna be a star … but she fell in love with Tiger while watching Angels & Demons. That’ll help a career, won’t it? Dum-dum.

Jaimee (and the other little yapping Tiger girls) annoyed the crap out one of Tiger’s mistresses — a person who actually considered herself a “full-time” of Tiger’s thanks to years of faithful service to his virulent sexual appetite. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Veronica Siwik-Daniels aka Joslyn James, a double-D brunette whose specialties include being double-penetrated on camera in many NSFW films.

But Jorge, proud Facebook friend of Miss Siwik-Daniels, said that this status update she posted on Dec. 2 was meant for all the ladies running their mouth about her man, Eldrick.

“I find it comical when certain individuals have no life of their own and want to be ME…so terribly bad. LMAO!”

The emphasis on “ME,” says Jorge, was Veronica’s way of respecting her unique relationship with Tiger and not becoming part of the screeching hordes. She did not return a message left on her phone requesting comment. Good for her.

Jorge was less discreet, however, telling me that Joslyn used love to talk about “all the freaky shit Tiger dug in bed,” and that every time he’d come to town he’d pay for a visit. You know, with cash.

But here’s what we’ve learned throughout this Tiger mess, which, in many ways, may change how some of these athletes are covered. Athletes have utilized the VIP service to engage in their affairs (and meet possible mistresses) for the sake of (supposed) privacy, philandering without the hassle of having to do any work themselves to land these women. It’s a dirty business all around. But what to do now, since Tiger has gone and messed it up for a bunch of people who were pretty safe from prying eyes and camera lenses whenever they stepped out on their wives and girlfriends during Vegas weekends? CHAOS REIGNS …

Welcome to the new world, mainstream media, where the blanks are about to be filled-in. The truth will set you free.

Now, bring me the client friend list of Pam Tina Trahan and let’s really start some shit.

Yeah, I could care less which of the (possibly) many holes he dips his balls in,…Sure, as a man I may be a little jealous that he’s more able then I, and, I’m a little past my ‘day” now, but..no,…its not that. Its just that now my wife wants a freakin contract full of $$ bonuses, to hang out with me! And I can’t even TELL you what I have to pay for boom-boom now!

Yeah, like if riding the fun-ship UFreak wasn’t enUFf, NOW after reading the new “deal” Elin is getting, MY wife wants a written “BANG-me-for-CASH” arrangement to stay with MY ass!….Yeah, as if the regular ash-plowings weren’t enUFf!, now she apparently wants some cash too!…YOU FREAKIN’ ASH HOLE TIGER! WTF!?!?!? OK, sure, I have a few dollars shy of a Billion, and we live in a cardboard cut-out by comparison,..still. I now have to pay??? U PRICK!!!

Elin gets 80 million to stay with the Worlds #1 sports celeb?, and (if reports are right) 55 million if she just stays 2 more years!?…F**K!. I’d live in Hitlers flooded basement as a whiny Jew, for 2 years for even a 100th of that!. Shit, Tiger, you F**KED the curve up but good, DUDE!…Even for us regular folk!.

My wife, and believe me she’s put up with some sh*t, would make Elin puke hard food, by comparison. Now she wants a money specific deal! Hell, its topical now!….Fox will have a “PAY FOR ASS” reality show in about 30 minutes, guys! Snatch is gonna be put on lay-away pretty soon! AND!…We can thank the biggest puzzy on the planet for this new World Order! Yeah, Tiger Woods, the geek who is paying his women up to 80 million (and 55 million guaranteed) to tolerate living in the lap of luxery, for TWO YEARS!!!!! She gets 55 million dollars, on top of any settlement money, (they have two kids and she’s been living pretty high on the “not-Tigers-HOG”, fellas!) to live with a guy she supposedly wanted to marry!!!!!…yeah, I KNOW!  This is a ridiculous development, man!

What does a 27.5 million dollar a year “crank” do?…..I mean, I get good ass sex,….and I’ve had some pretty good “smooth down” in my days, but, I cannot imagine what 27.5 million a year crank does! This crotch must,…what,…sh.t guys, I can’t even imagine what a 27.5 million dollar a year b.tch could do for a dude…there cannot be true value, there. There just can’t be! Tiger’s life is hell, but he’s going to NOW!???..over-pay for “crank” he’s not even going to GET!?!?!? (at least you gotta think he wont be getting it MORE often, anyway!)…. Do you think she’s gonna be a BETTER piece in the rack or a worse piece, here forward?….Everytime he says “Babe, that was incredible”…She’s gonna say,..”Well, for what you’re paying, it sure SHOULD BE F*CKER!”…and he can forget about oral obligations all-together, dude, that’s another 40 mil!!

 27.5 million a year, divided by 356 days, means that b.tch is getting, what,..like…75,00 per day?….COME ON TIGER!!!!…THERE IS NO F*CKIN WAY SHE’S GOT A PUZZY WORTH 75K a DAY!!. Give us regular guys a break, man!…You DO KNOW, prostitution is illegal, right !?!?!?   GOD-DAMMIT!. man! BALL UP, kick the freakin’ b*tch to the god-damn curb!…Don’t pay her to stay with you!….THINK ABOUT US ONE TIME!

I guess I’m lucky, though…My wife is only asking for $42.35 a week to tolerate my ass….maybe I’m getting a deal?!?!?!?…She sure has a lot more to consider than that (legal) whore Elin has to! WHERE ARE YOU UNCLE SAM!?!?! This just CAN’T be right!!!!

What I CAN’T understand, is that sissy-bitch lawyer-esque statement he released today! He should have his nuts revoked, as a penalty! What a puzzy! I’ll never look at the man the same, ever again! look, you had a need, and you purr’sued it. It happens!

Listen, I understand Tiger Woods is a man, and a sickly rich man at that. I also understand that even a smokin’ hawt chick can become boring or, even more depressing, stagnant! AAAAhhhhhhh!  Really, imagine you are fortunate enUFf to hook up with a top Super model, like Elin, and you bag her! YUM! While you are in mid-coitis, you realize,…”Uh, this smokin’ hot bitch just isn’t that good”!..But your brain is fighting your eyes, and your ego, so you submit! Unfortunately, few men can mentally work past that hot-ness to dismiss even the most average sex partner! For some men, that one is all they’re gonna get!…yeah, I know,…pathetic!

Had you been a goof golf geek like Tiger, you might have NEVER had a pice THAT good (most of us dont)….well, at least not until you started making large cash! Golf ’studs”, even at Stanford, PROBABLY didn’t bring home that best trim most nights. Truth be told, they probably, in those days, didn’t bring home much at all; -unless they came to school really really rich! Even then, it was PROBABLY a stuffy ass snatch at best.

In all  likelihood Tiger had an obligatory nut that seemed like the best ever, with Miss Elin. Heck, even if you were a somewhat accomplished “dude”, you might accept your penis’ interpretation that Elin’s looks beat out the less than acceptable performance. This isn’t exclusive to Tiger, but more of a widspread problem. How else do dudes accept jail to their women leaving them?

 I’m suggesting that, even if “she” IS extremely hawt, she may not be,…well,…all that “good”! At least not good enUFf to marry! BUT!…You “F”‘d up! You married “looks”, and not passion….M-I-S-T-A-K-E!

 You can see that as possible, right? If you step outside of her looks and evaluate the “pump” value. (That’s not “making love”, either, that’s brutal “up-the-whoo-hoo” Pro-level BANGING!…..Really, if you are into “making love”, YOU are a PRIME candidate for a partner that is looking for another mate! “Making Love” is a silly ass Soap Opera ideal, that doesn’t mean shit in the real World. If you are banking on your “Love making” ability to sustain your partner, you’re an IDIOT! You’re better off to start thinking  about *****in’ that “person” of interest, and leave “making love” to the stupid ass actors in movies and on TV. That “sissy-ass” shit doesn’t live out here in he real world!

Hey, I dated a smokin’ hawt Buccaneer Cheerleader back in the day, and she was smokin’ hot…Sure, she was ALSO great in the rack, but, had she NOT been, I’d have walked……Yes, I sure would have; and in a minute! That wasn’t the case with her, and as it turned out she ended up realizing she could do better, and left me.  I was NOT in a position to argue with her, heck, I was a hack Ho trolling babes for the fun of it, at that time.  She left me for a dude playing in the NFL, fella’s, there’s no shame in that game!…I was pizzed to lose the ”clam”, but at the same time she didn’t owe me anything! Besides, as you can now attest, I still have a great memory!…which I was lucky to get!

The point here, aside from me braggin’ a little, is this;…..No matter HOW hot the babe is, somewhere there is a dude who is sick of her shit! -OR, pizzed off! Yeah, maybe you’ve heard that old cliche, and maybe you’ve actually lived it (Like I did). Instead of being a jerk-ass about it, I took it for what is was – a great time!. I got her on her way up, which is better than ”on-her-way-down”. Still, it wasn’t enUFf to “Marry”!

So, Tiger has a smokin’ piece at home……see her HERE,…..OK, so we all know she’s a babe. Still, if she blows in the rack, or is even “just” good,…there’s always going to be a need to roam! Ladies, this is NOT a revelation, nor is it ANYthing different to how YOU all live or “roam” either. Some guys just figure that if the picture is nice, so is the ride. Well, like anyone whose ever ridden the Beast will tell you, there IS a better ride out there!

Elin, you are super hot!…and, now, you are a mother. Mother’s “sometimes” feel freaky about making it “pop” in the bedroom after they birthed a child.  The old, I’m a Mom, not a Whore” syndrome creeps in; or so I hear. Well, you played the part to hook the man, so dont be surprised when he wants that “whore” forever more!

You may think change is in order, and if you do…MORE power to you! But!, don’t freak when your man seeks out, and finds, another sexy dawg! Sex IS actually THAT important -it is! You may lose interests, or cut back because you’re not in the mood like you once were…Heck, maybe you even scaled back on the freaky shit (BIG MISTAKE!)…It’ll be noticed and, if needed, REPLACED! Dudes need sex. PERIOD!. THEY NEED IT! and, more than you do. This should interst you, unless you want them to bag strange trim. OK, so this is only the case for MOST men, not “all” men…There are sissy-bitch men out there who will not complain, but then end up in some Clock Tower with a highh powered rifle some day.

You want to sustain the relationship, keep doing what you were doing before you got the ring…if not, then don’t pick up a 9-iron when your man looks for some strange. Even if/when that strange is your horny-bitch friend! If you’ve given it up, it doesn’t mean he has too, and “F” you for thinking it should!!

My suggestion: Don’t think you are in control unless your man is a wuss….but if that’s the case, why’d you even bother?

And you guys need to realize too: “Heat is a 2-way street”. Pay attention to the “wife” like YOU use to, or risk her bending over the desk of that prick bastage in Sales! I dont need to read the Doc’s “love letters” to know, there are a BUNCH of horny ass women out there, that are NOT getting IT at home! Sad as that sounds, its happening!

Don’t blame Tiger for looking for greener greens!..It might not be his fault. Elin might have cooled, and if she did, what’s a man to do?

Guys!…right now, go find her, and give it to her like she wants the Bachelor (or some other TV shtud) to do it!…Don’t end up like Tiger! — with a wrecked SUV and a nine iron up your butt!

Tiger skates, of course. Everyone with LARGE $$ does….and, he probably should. He’s gonna have his hands full for a few months ( But NOT with THIS ). Tiger’s gonna call Kobe, and commission the jeweler that got him out of the hot water. Yeah, if rUFf butt-sex costs a man 4-mil, what does “Down-under-night-putting” cost?

Still, how much do you think that Fire Hydrant will fetch on e-bay?

Q. What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball?   A. Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Q. What’s the difference between Tiger’s Cadillac and his pitching wedge?   A. He can back up his pitching wedge

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. I guess he couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

Was THAT what Elin (Tiger’s wife) was aiming for when she “bum” rushed her man after the Thanksgiving Day meal? Elin and The Tiger have been mostly unavailable to authorities since the mysterious crash outside their shared home, early Friday morning. Reports have the scene looking as if Elin came rushing out of the home, after “hearing” her husband’s vehicle crash shortly after leaving the home.- WHAT, (yeah, me too)?..uh, then she came rushing outside with a golf club,….????..uh, you know, in case a window needs to be busted out…orrrrrr, your cheatin’ bastard husband hasn’t completely paid for his sins yet!????  Anyway, the claim is asking the public to believe that she rushed outside, and noticed that her husband some how wrecked his SUV; — a mere 6 seconds after he fired it up (Did your “bullshit alarm” go off too?). She rushed out to “help” him out thru the back window? She’s HUGE right?….what does Elin go, about 6′2″, somewhere around 230-240lbs?…right? Yeah, certainly she could crawl thru a busted window in the rear of the vehicle, and pull a 33-year old man out through that opening. SURE! SO!..at least THAT part of this mystery is cleared up!

Let’s see what this little incident might look like through the Al Bundy “MWC” glasses, though;

“Al” comes home from being abroad, or more specifically, “down under” at a Shoe Convention! Unbeknownst to “AL”, “Peggy” had received a few thousand text messages a few days earlier asking her why some New York Chippie from “Reebok” had her ”outback” stuck to “AL’s” crotch all weekend at some exclusive hotel. Even the National Enquirer, the “rag to the stars”, mentions it. Well, perhaps ”Peg” just rings it up to “Life with a Shoe celeb” and says “what the hell”…..or, perhaps she doesn’t!?? MAYBE she shits on that couch of hers, pizzed off in her cheap tawdry pumps!…or, “Pizzed in Pumps”, as we’ll call it here….Oh, and Naked too!,– after all, this is MY story, right?….So Eli-, uh, “Peggy” is naked, on the couch, with little more than her hawt red pump (shoes) on, and she’s pizzed! (What?..no pic link here?…hhmm, thought I’d have a pic link for this one,..no?…oh well!) Don’t click HERE,…really, don’t!…OK, sorry, HERE YA GO! That’s more appropriate considering the topic here.

Mid-way through watching the hired help clean up after the Thanksgiving meal, “Peg” and “Al” retire to their “Chamber” to draw into some more comfortable night time attire! ”Al” removes his Nike issued underwear, and out plops a grilled shrimp (a’la ”on the barbie!”) and a bloomin’ onion skinned condom!…”OH SHIT”! ”Peggy” now flips the “F” out! She grabs a Nike 9 iron (they have clubs in that house like one of them makes a living by golfing, they’re EVERYWHERE!!) and she starts to work on correcting her fade! She fades one just below “Al’s” nose, then slices one into (his) Woods! (ha!,..I had to work that in there, sorry!) Bleeding from the mouth, AND running towards the garage with a newly defined gait, “AL” grabs the keys to the only vehicle he can find….no, NOT the Dodge!, the Escalade! Al rev’s the engine, but “Peg” has already consulted her caddy, and now bears down on “Al” with her hybrid club….looking to pitch one from the rUFf stUFf. “Al” is a little slow out of the box, and “Peggy” catches ”back glass” with her (Nike) Slingshot. ITS IN THE HOLE!…ITS IN THE HOLE!…she cries! (OR, if it works better for you, she does a little “HERE’S JOHNNY!” instead).  FREAKED OUT, “Al” punches it,…the gas, not Peggy!…He’d never do that! “Him’s LOVES her!….anyway, he “hits the gas” and smokes it out of there, trailing “Peggy” like it were the field at Melbourne! Unfortunately for “Al” the only ‘driving” he’s any good at, it off a tee, so he ends up shanking his Caddy into the tree!. Peg meets up with him shortly after, and continues her assault on the ass end of the car. Banging, and banging and pumping and pumping her slingshot into that tail…..end. “Al” jumps out to stop her, but is again met in the jaw with one of his sponsors “products”. This time, her caddy has handed her the heavy WOOD(s). OUCH!

Luckily for “Al”, Jefferson Darcy has called the Cops!, and in rich neighborhoods they get there pretty quick! “Al” is dazed and confused when the Police arrive. Numerous blows to the head with “Just the right club” can have that effect on a man. That’s why, ladies, it is important to buy your man the right set! Shop now, in time for a good Xmas day massacre! Planning ahead ensures many Holiday memories later!

OK, so The Police get there, they say all the …”How in the F*&K do you crash THAT vehicle into THAT tree, from there; –and NOT be incredibly “F’d”-up?” ’s. Noting to themselves this is “AL BUNDY” and his hawt blonde wife “PEGGY”!, they decide to play nice and listen to the explanation. Since “Al” has some divots in his head and face, they listen to “Peggy” tell the story. Holding back the laughter, and resisting the urge to ask “You busted out the back window with a golf club?….for WHY??!?!?!!”….Instead, they allow her enUFf time (and rope) to implicate herself. Hey, if the b.tch is gonna hang herself, its only right that you allow her that OPP!

So there you have it, “Married w/Children” on location, in Orlando!….The Bundy’s aren’t talking to anyone about this at the moment…well, aside from a slew of expensive lawyers and maybe a good romance novelist anyway! This will all be explained as soon as the script is completed! It’ll explain all the mystery and wrap it up in some home-spun manner, leaving no stone unturned! Heck, even that tree and foliage that was destroyed will be restored to “better-than-new” status very soon! Besides, he can always just say he was just  washing his hands…?

The only mystery left, will be, does little Miss “Down-Under” show up in California this weekend, or does “Peggy” attend this event?

Lucas Glover is hanging in, thru the 2nd round at The Traveler’s this week….a +1 has him in the field, but not challenging. LINK…

Move over Tiger,…there’s a new sheriff in town