Antonio “dont drug test me” Bryant, formerly of the Cowboys, Browns, 49ers and Tampa Bay! (Oh, and he sat out a year whilst “suspended/dismissed”,..that’s a good thing, right???) Will bring his talents and baggage to CINCINNATI!….Having been one who wanted Lav Coles to work out here, this normally wouldn’t be much cause for celebration,…BUT!, considering the alternative!?…Well, its like “Ocho-Cinco de March Madness” all over this town! Terrell Owens isn’t coming in now!!! Yip-freakin-EEE….AND!, stupid ASS Chud Johnson can explain to his new team-mate how they are gonna be life-long buddies now, after having “twit”-endorsed TO like he was a sex starved School boy! Should make for a cozy relationship, huh?!

Bryant comes in with some problems in tow,….then again, this being Bungle country that’s kind of  a requirement here! He also seems to be of the now WAY too popular “I’m-overly-entitled-because-I-play-Football-and-I-am-a-wideReceiver” crowd, that our own Chud Johnson (and TO) is a chapter President of;…aaannnddd,I can’t imagine Bryant being worth 7million a year, considering he’s only “played” at the “high” level one year;…– but, that’s more an NFL economics question than anything else, I guess. He’s been a smaller scale TO, so, I guess we got the lesser (and younger) of two similar evils. STILL!…whew!…its NOT T.O.!   Fantastic!!! Up next, dump the Chump(Chud). Hey, I can hope, right?

WELCOME TO TOWN, Mr Bryant!

Soon, there will be a NEW Jackass in town! Hated in towns across America!;…From San Fran, to Baltimore, to Philly, to Dallas, and even bUFfalo!….He’snow headed here, and you can thank Cincy team mouthpiece, Chud Ocho-Side-Show-act-o for his interest. Yeah, many of the same fans who find value in Chud, a jerk who cost his team in both playoff loses (out of 2 …and both were at home, btw….meaning, this team was suppose to win those games) will LOVE following hims as he endorses an even  bigger distraction to our town! The same guy who killed his team by just being “himself” in both our playoff games (in the last 20+ seasons), wants to further ruin the team by bringing in his equally distracting idol….and, maybe his lover, too?…TO! (totally owesome!)

Quick review: Chud Johnson acted like a little freakin’ jackass in the locker room during half-time of the 2005 season play-off game against Pittsburgh. In a game where the Bungles lost Carson Palmer and needed a guy to mature and step up, they got Chad Johnson the f’in baby-ass instead! They still led at halftime; but! Chud, knowing there were camera’s rolling out on the field, was upset about NOT getting enUFf balls thrown his way. After all, he needed to exploit his face and camera’s generally followed the ball, not guys who’s nads fold up inside their bodies during big games! SO!, because he’s so juvenile and assy (its a word!) he reportedly got in such a “tizzy” that he took a bitch slap at a Coach. I can only imagine it was a “bitch slap” because Chud seems like he’s a sissy-bitch. After all, I’ve seen him try to block, and anytime he’s been hit, he’s gone DOWN  (Gawd I love that vid!) like a sack of dirt!. Chud did start to block a little in 2009, but at 14-million a year that’s a little late for him to get props. Then there’s that dive he took late in the game up in bUFfalo a few years ago, when he was just too scared after getting grazed?(The video showed he was almost completely missed!) That was about pathetic. Still, I understand many of the fans in town still bend over for his ass, so, he’s a least got y’all fooled. Of course, most of you probably chase the red (laser) light up and down the wall too. After all, side-shows like Chaud are here to divert attention. His side-shows acts, which have failed to help “his” team win even ONE playoff game (or even ONE must win game, for that matter), stay…but, he wont even once try the STFU and play method JUST once to see if that MIGHT be MORE helpful to an actual TEAM minded goal (WINS!)?… than his Bullshit skits have? (and they’ve failed miserably at all “TEAM” goals)…. Well, I sure hope winning is still a goal here….despite continual evidence to the contrary.

Anyway!…If the SECOND playoff game the Bengals “hosted” (and have BEEN in since 1990!) Mr “Productive”-o decided that after he was shut-down by D Revis in the Season’s FINAL game of the year (the week before), that he’d buckle down and concentrate ONLY on Football to prepare himself like a professional might, in an effort to help his team win this pending playoff game!….YEAH RIGHT!!…HA!..Man, that’s a freakin’ laugh!..No, instead, in typical jackass form he promoted himself (yawn, again!) by expressing that he’d “own” Revis in the rematch. He went on that week to continue to busy himself with other-than-football-related issues, such as; Express that the “man-on-man sex” he had during the week was proof he was “ready” to play, and then further ready himself by arranging to have the big rig truck he bought himself for his birthday; delivered and set up on display at the stadium. You know, all the important things ALL those wr’s from Indy and N’awlins do/did before their games. Yeah, RIGHT!(again)…Chud also busied himself by proposing that he’d change his name back to “Johnson”, if Revis wasn’t his “bitch” by game’s end. Well, add bet welcher to Chud’s long list of asinine characteristics. The D!ck-head still goes by that ridiculous Ocho-crap-o name! and still, the drones of fans stand by him (while he laughs at them).

Chud’s list of accomplishments continue with his bashing of the City, the fans, and all the players who expected him to actually lead the team by “playing” well (novel concept, eh?)….AND, as a team leader (defined by his time here, his salary and his self-promotion) he was critical of the expectations of him???? After all, they only get to play Cleveland TWICE a year!…OH, and he had that really good game against Miami that year they only won one game;….in week 17 no less!

THIS is the guy endorsing another guy who is as BIG an asshole, but has advancement down the diminished capacity career line a slight bit more! The Bills let him walk, and its been reported that NO OTHER TEAM HAS ANY INTEREST IN TERRELL OWENS at all. CHUD has taken all he’s meant to the city, and all that TO brings to the table, and the fact NO ONE else wants him, and decided assholes love company, and pioneered the Bungles signing the senior distraction/cancer! In true BT Barnum fashion, Mikey Brown has listened, and will probably sign this Class “A”9as in asshole) distraction and team destroyer. They made strides last year, but were a deep threat short of a good offense. Signing a guy NO other team wants, JUST MAKES GOOD SENSE! After all, we still have Chud!…and if HE were anything close to as good as he (and some of YOU) think?..He’s have moved on LOOOOONNNGGG ago! He knew no other team wanted him, and that no other fan base would put up with his diversionary clown antics. Other teams and other teams’ fans expect winning football over clowns!…or, at least a careful mix of both!

I feel really really bad for The Saints,….all they got was a Super Bowl win,….WE still have Chud and his tired ass act!…SUCKERS!!!…AND!, as a bonus, WE still use that tired old chant we stole from them YEARS ago!; ”Who Dey!?”…”WHO DEY?” (HA HA in their FACES!!!)….Well, since 1990?, “Who Dey” = everyone!! Can you imagine a more ridiculous chant for a this team? The only team to have zero playoff wins since 1990?!?!?

IF there is a saving grace here, its this;…..THERE does exist ONE guy in the NFL who is a BIGGER (and better) self-promoting media whore, than Chud (though to THIS guys credit, he has achieved a ga-zillion times more than Chud in his career); and that’s, you guessed it, Brent (I know) FaVre! The whore is going to prolong his “retirement/staying” presser for a few months yet, so I guess the idea that he and TO hook up for a last hoo-haa, is a possibility!??? The NFL has LONG lost its “sport” focused approach, and has been slowly sliding into the being what “pro” Wrestling is; Side-bar stories and distracting loud-mouthed idiots are now the driving force!….Sadly, its been eaten up by the fans so well, its now all the foundation the NFL has left, and what they now need to pursue to continue. This is no longer “Football”, but just another long-breathed staged Reality Show. Drink it in!….ITs gonna be grape flavored THIS year!

COOKE cleans up SAVARD: BOOM!

CLEAN hit or Cheap shot? Pittsburgh and Boston are becoming as heated as the old Philly/Rangers use to be. It looks like Cooke will be suspended for this shot. Kinda think it was a purposely dropped elbow, but hey, its hockey!…

NORWEGIAN TANKER

Meet Me’Unuh Phuque, the Somali Pirate. This is your average run of the mill-dirtbag Pirate, whose head might look better with the hydrostatic shock effect from the 5.56×45mmbullet commonly used in the M16. That’s strictly my opinion, of course. My neighbor, for comparison reasons, thinks I’m too compassionate. He feels that scenario isn’t messy enUFf. He’s also the one (former military Intel) who believes this guy, Me’Unuh, is not as ruthless as he appears in the media. In fact, he describes this pirate “action” as more of an arrangement between Captain (the word we’ll use to describe the guy responsible for the ship) and Pirate.  NO!

Yeah, to hear him tell it, this Pirate and many others, are merely acting on behalf of those “Captains” seeking to pad their retirement packages. Hand over your ship, owned by some anonymous 3rd party, in exchange for part of the bounty?…IMPOSSIBLE!!!. At first the thought IS crazy, and smells of  yet another bullshit conspiracy theory in line with the 911 nut-jobs. But then, you get to thinking about it..and maybe there is some truth mixed in there??

These Pirates aren’t your average Johnny Depp gay looking pirates. They aren’t looking for butts to Pirate, nor are they slashing and killing their way to the sought after booty. (sure, today’s ships are very sophisticated, so they need more help getting them to Port, still,….only 2 captured’s have died!) In fact, including the World over, Pirates kill about 1.25 people a year (just trust me on that, sorry, no link). The Pirates off Indonesia are more the killing type, and still, the number is just over one killed a year! Hippo’s kill more in a month!

Anyway, back to the initial question!….Since it is NOT unheard of for people in THIS country to set up hold-ups with their “acquaintances” at places where THEY work, is it that mind-boggling to think these Pirate attacks aren’t just a more advanced process along those same lines?….What happens to these “Captains” after they are “captured” anyway?…They hang around, and a few months later they are just gone?

I’m not, nor is my “neighbor”, suggesting that EACH case is a deal worked out between “Cap’n” Crunch and these thugs. BUT!?!?!?!?……maybe a few 9or so) are? WOULD YOU?

The G-String Question: Is the reaction dumber than the question itself? HELL YES!

The Bucs are off the hook.  The single dumbest question of the NFL Scouting Combine was asked to Oklahoma defensive tackle Gerald McCoy.

“Someone asked me if I wore a g-string or a jock strap when I played,” McCoy told the NFL Network set Monday to disbelief, laughter, and amazement.

Analyst Mike Mayock wanted to know McCoy’s reaction to the question.  The affable defender just left his mouth open in a stunned expression. 

We heard a few stories in Indianapolis of coaches jokingly messing with players during interviews, but none sounded as creepy as this.

The video of the interview is oddly not yet on NFL.com. That’s probably a coincidence.  Or perhaps the league is embarrassed.

REALLY, Jackass?..You think the NFL is embarrassed that some one reported that a player was asked a question off of the normal script? Gheesh, how long have you been following Pro Football? These questions judge reaction, no one is interested in the actual answer,..well, unless it involves Paris Hilton, a bipolar Koala bear, and a rented U-Haul.

The general reaction has been that poor Mr McCoy should be offended!….Awww, maybe if his feelings ae hurt, the question served its purpose. After all, it was HE who felt the need to share this snip-it with the rest of the class. The “character flaw”, in part, is ALL his!

 

If they awarded medals after each bobsled run at the Vancouver Winter Olympics, former Florida track and field athlete Steve Mesler would have two golds in his pocket – or around his neck.

A pusher on the USA I four-man bobsled piloted by Steve Holcomb, Mesler was in the winning sled in each of two runs Friday at the Whistler Sliding Centre.

However, the Florida graduate must make it through two more runs Saturday before he can claim a medal. Total time from the four runs determine the order of finish.

The United States has not won an Olympic four-man bobsled gold medal since 1948 at St. Moritz.

Mesler, an alternate on the 2002 Olympic team and part of Todd Hays’ seventh-place team at the 2006 Games, graduated from Florida in 2000. As a Gator, his sport was track and field, his specialty the decathlon.

As a right-side pusher and third man in the sled, the 6-foot-2, 206-pounder’s job here is to push like crazy, load quickly and hang on.

Both starts were strong, with emotions in check.

“We don’t stand at the top of the hill and say ‘this is it, this is the Olympic Games.’ That’s not gonna get us anywhere,” said Mesler, 31. “It’s pretty obvious. We don’t need to tell each other. All you’ve got to do is open your eyes and see the (Olympic) rings everywhere. So we just act as if our goal is to win the race today. That’s what we did, so we’re going to hope to go out and win the race tomorrow.”

USA I’s start time of 4.75 seconds, briefly a track record, ranked second overall on the first run, behind Germany I’s 4.73.

USA’s second start matched the 4.73, but ranked fourth overall. Germany I again was faster with a track-record 4.70.

USA I reached a top speed of 95 mph, flying through a wet snow on a 33-degree day.

Holcomb, who placed sixth in the two-man competition here that ended Sunday, simply outdrove Germany I’s Andre Lange. No easy task, as Lange already bagged the two-man gold here and is the two-time defending champion in the Olympic four-man competition.

USA I finished first first run in a track-record 50.89 seconds, the second in an even faster 50.86. The combined time of 1:41.75 leads Canada I by 0.40 seconds, with Lange’s Germany I another four-hundredths back. The next-best American sled, Mike Kohn’s USA III, is in 12^th place, 1.36 seconds behind USA I.

“I’m going to sleep well,” Mesler said. “When you go to bed the night before (the first runs), you’re not sure if you’re going to be fast, you’re not sure how it’s going to go. You feel like you are.

 “We know we’re fast on this track now. We know we can start. We know ‘Holcy’s’ driving. We know the equipment’s running. So we can go to bed knowing all we have to do now is come out and do our job.”

Others may not sleep as well. Six of 25 sleds crashed – three on the first run and three on the second. USA II, driven by John Napier, turned over on the second run but slid across the finish line to put the team in 17^th place.

Four sleds withdrew earlier in the week. Three of those were because of injuries suffered in crashes either in the two-man competition or four-man practices. A Dutch team dropped out because Edwin van Calker said he wasn’t confident in his driving ability on the track.

Two weeks earlier, a luger from the country of Georgia was killed on the same track.

Mesler, who came to the Gators from Buffalo but has resided for the last seven years in Calgary, respects the track. He does not fear it, though.

 “No, because we’re having good trips. We see those but Holcomb still has that same feel and it’s not going to change just watching other people crash.”

Between Holcomb and Mesler, in the No. 2 spot, is Justin Olsen of San Antonio. The brakeman and last in the sled is Curt Tomasevicz of Shelby, Neb.

“We’re right where we want to be,” Holcomb said. “We had a great day today and we’ll have another great day tomorrow.

“It’s not over yet. We’ve got another race ahead of us. This is basically like halftime.”

Steve Mesler, Curtis Tomasevicz, Justin Olsen and Steven Holcomb

They do work well together!

2009 — Position — 2010
Avery Barnes — LF — Tyler Thompson
Matt den Dekker — CF — Matt den Dekker
Riley Cooper — RF — Daniel Pigott
Brandon McArthur — 1B — Preston Tucker
Clayton Pisani — 2B — Josh Adams
Mike Mooney — SS — Nolan Fontana
Josh Adams — 3B — Bryson Smith
Buddy Munroe — C — Mike Zunino
Preston Tucker — DH — Austin Maddox

Rounding the bases Friday night, Austin Maddox wasn’t sure if he was going to wake up before he reached home plate.

Moments earlier, Florida’s freshman designated hitter had just belted the second collegiate pitch of his career over the right-center field wall for a two-run home run to give the Gators (1-0) a 4-0 lead in the bottom of the first.

His trance ended after he touched home and realized what happened.

“First (at-bat). That doesn’t happen to many people, but it felt really good,” Maddox said.

It felt pretty good for the Gators all night in their season opener against South Florida at McKethan Stadium. Along with Maddox’s debut, junior infielder Josh Adams showed off some power by clearing the left field bleachers twice as the Gators defeated USF 6-2 in front of a crowd of 3,309.

While Maddox felt like his at-bat was a dream, Adams, who has won consecutive All-SEC accolades, said he had goosebumps after his first at-bat when he hit a two-run homer off Randy Fontanez in the first.

He was giddy after the hit, but he wasn’t very nervous coming into the game.

“Honestly, for a lot of us it felt like another scrimmage game because we’ve been scrimmaging so much,” Adams said. “About five minutes until game time everybody started getting that look like, ‘All right, it’s here. We’re ready to go.’ Everybody was ready and it was a good night.”

Besides Florida’s offensive explosion in the first, Friday meant the return of a familiar face. After spending the 2009 season sidelined after shoulder surgery, sophomore right-hander Tommy Toledo made his first appearance on the mound in more than a year.

He started strong as he struck out his first batter, but admitted jitters caught up to him while facing his third batter, Stephen Hunt, who saved the inning with a single to center. After Hunt stole second, Toledo walked Sam Mende off a wild pitch, putting runners at the corners.

Toledo then calmly struck out the next batter on a 3-2 count.

Toledo’s nerves didn’t leave him. His control problems landed him in a bases-loaded situation in the second, but like the inning before, he escaped with a strikeout and the clean sheet.

“It was definitely good to get my feet wet a little bit with the guys on and get those situations out of the way,” Toledo said. “I’m sure its going to be like that for the rest of the season, so I’m glad I got the first one out of the way.”

Florida coach Kevin O’Sullivan pulled Toledo after 3 1/3 innings with four strikeouts, two walks and an unearned run off 71 pitches. He was replaced by lefty Alex Panteliodis, who picked up the win after 3 1/3 innings and three strikeouts.

Florida’s bats went silent after Fontanez found his rhythm. He retired six straight after giving up those four runs and went 6 2/3 with five strikeouts in the losing effort.

Adams, who went 3-for-3 on the night, hit his second homer in the fifth and drove in his fourth run with a double in the seventh that scored senior center fielder Matt den Dekker.

The early bat work proved too much for the Bulls, but nerves kept the game from getting out of hand as Florida committed two errors on the night and only five hits after the first inning.

Still, O’Sullivan was pleased with the solid opening.

“There’s nothing like opening day,” he said. “Everybody’s anxious and everybody’s kind of amped up. I could tell our (batting practice) was a little different. It’s always good to get the first one out of the way.”

His wounds must have healed up nicely, huh???…I can’t WAIT to hear what his Lawyer/Publicist, uh I mean, HE, has to say! I can only imagine his Families are gonna get back together!….His NIKE family (which is the most important of course) AND his “wife” family! (I hear Nike will NEVER “F” Tiger!….and, well, Elin might not either,????….Well, at least not “double penetration” style, like he’s now use to having!)

How much Nike is looking forward to this can only PALE in comparisson to what WE the public are expecting! NOW all you Tiger fans can watch Golf again!…YA,YA,YA,YA,YA,YA!!!!!!

Tiger Woods will end nearly three months of silence Friday when he speaks publicly for the first time since his middle-of-the-night car accident sparked stunning revelations of infidelity.

However, his agent said Woods will not take any questions from a small group of media.

“This is not a press conference,” Mark Steinberg said Wednesday.

It will be Woods’ first public appearance since Nov. 27, when he crashed his SUV into a tree outside his Florida home. Woods’ only comments since then have been made through his Web site.

“It will be good to see Tiger’s face again, and see that he’s actually out there somewhere,” Stewart Cink said. “I think this is the beginning of the comeback process for him.”

Woods is to speak at 11 a.m. Friday from the clubhouse at the TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla., home of the PGA Tour.

“This is all about the next step,” Steinberg said. “He’s looking forward to it.”

Still, there was strict control over the appearance, typical of Woods’ career.

Steinberg described the gathering as a “small group of friends, colleagues and close associates,” who will listen to Woods apologize as he talks about the past and what he plans to do next. He said three wire services have been invited — The Associated Press, Reuters and Bloomberg — and he asked the Golf Writers Association of America to recommend pool reporters.

Only one camera will be in the room to provide live coverage via satellite. Steinberg said other writers with proper credentials could watch from a hotel ballroom more than a mile away.

“The first time out, he’s better controlling it,” Padraig Harrington said. “Over time, there will be questions. At the moment, the best thing is a more controlled environment and gradually ease his way back into it.”

Steinberg said in an e-mail announcing the public appearance, “While Tiger feels that what happened is fundamentally a matter between he and his wife, he also recognizes that he has hurt and let down a lot of other people who were close to him. He also let down his fans. He wants to begin the process of making amends and that’s what he’s going to discuss.”

The timing is peculiar. It will be held during the third round of the Accenture Match Play Championship in Arizona, sure to steal attention away from the first big event of the year. Accenture was the first sponsor to drop Woods when he became embroiled in the sex scandal.

“He’s got to come out at some point,” Rory McIlroy said. “I suppose he might want to get something back against the sponsor that dropped him. No, I don’t know. It just went on for so long. I’m sick of hearing about it. And I’m just looking forward to when he’s getting back on the golf course.”

PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem said he did not think Woods’ appearance was going to undermine a World Golf Championship event.

“We have tournaments every week,” Finchem said. “I think it’s going to be a story in and of itself. A lot of people are going to be watching golf this week to see what the world of golf says about it, my guess is. So that will be a good thing.”

As far as the PGA Tour’s part in the Woods event, Finchem said: “We were asked to make the facility available and to help with the logistics. That’s what we’re doing.”

Steinberg said only that Woods’ appearance during the championship was “a matter of timing.” Asked if it could have waited until Monday, he said, “No.”

No other news conference this week drew a larger crowd of reporters than the 20 who surrounded Finchem, a testament to how Woods has dominated the conservation at the Match Play.

“We’re all better off when he’s playing,” Adam Scott said. “I’m curious as to when he’ll return to golf.”

As for the timing?

“It’s his choice,” Scott said. “I guess the tour is hosting it there.”

Woods made a spectacular fall from his perch atop golf. He was believed to have been the first athlete to gross $1 billion in earnings and endorsements and, at 14 majors, was closing in on golf’s record of 18 majors held by Jack Nicklaus.

It all collapsed in the early morning hours the day after Thanksgiving.

Over the last few months, Woods has been on the cover of gossip magazines and the butt of jokes on national talk shows.

In the days before Woods’ accident, a National Enquirer story alleged the world’s No. 1 golfer had been seeing a New York nightclub hostess. Following the crash, a stream of women came forward to claim they had romantic relationships with Woods. One woman provided Us Weekly magazine with a voicemail she said Woods left her three days before the crash, asking her to take his number off her phone.

Woods admitted to “infidelity” in a statement on his Web site in mid-December and has been on an indefinite break from golf ever since.

Ian Poulter, who went extra holes to win his opening match, was among those curious to hear what Woods had to say. His only hope was to hear about it later.

“Hopefully, I’ll be on the golf course and not listening to it,” he said

From the constant back disabling shoveling to the dog dooty floating 3 feet above the buried grass on a blanket of white “canvas”, I’ve more than had enough of this snow. For the love of global warming, when did we become North Dakota!?!?….Vancouver wishes they got what we got.

SO for YOU!…my bretheren inthe northeren, I give you THIS!

• Cleaning up after winter storms can be a lot of work. Of course there are options - like paying someone else to do it. Snow blowers help too, but even using those can be strenuous and exhausting. So, if you end up having to do it yourself, here are some things you need to know to make the chore easier and safer.
  • Do light warm-up exercises before shoveling and take frequent breaks.
  • If possible, push snow in front of you. If you have to lift it, pick up small amounts and lift with your legs, not your back. Do not toss snow over your shoulder or to the side.
  • Don’t drink alcohol before or while shoveling snow. Do not drink before shopping for vintage snow blowers. Come to think of it if you shop for vintage snow blowers people will think you are drunk anyway.
  • Do not use rock salt it will ruin the paint on your newly rebuilt vintage snow blower.
• If you use a snow blower (also called a snow thrower), follow these safety guidelines:
  • Do not collect too many snow blowers. You won’t have enough time to clear your own driveway and you will have to hire it done.
  • Do not get a vanity plate of your favorite snow blower brand. People will think it is your last name.
  • Read the owner’s manual before starting your snow blower, and make the necessary corrections on your snow blower website.
  • Make sure all your friends and relatives are invited when you start your newly renovated snow blower. You may have to disobey the rule about no alcohol, because free booze is the only way you will get them there to see it.
  • Do not put your hand in the snow blower to remove impacted snow or debris. Turn the machine off and wait a few seconds. Then use a stick or broom handle to remove the material. If this does not work, remove the chute and spend your kid’s college fund to have it Teflon lined.
  • Do not leave the snow blower unattended when it is running. Always try to have a crowd around to show it off.
  • Never let a child beware that their father collects snow blowers, it could be embarrassing.
  • Fill up with fuel before you start, when the engine is cool. Budget at least 10% of your yearly salary to keep your collection in new gas.

So, you’re probably wondering if the Day is gonna PAY OFF for you…..well, you should! Look at your ass! You can’t EVEN be sure!. So, I found this VDay Chart to help you KNOW! Don’t thank me, its all in the chart!

 The Chart never fails…..it worked for me when I was with….

Well, they made another one, just for you!

Go figure, apparently SOME people are uptight!?!?.. People in this country can get freaked out about some one else’s opinion or views?..WOW! -Who’d have thunk it?

So, in case you haven’t heard, we had a snow storm ”blow” through our little slice of heaven last night. Reports have it recorded as 4-6 inches, but I think we got more here at Casa de’UFreak. I could be wrong I guess, after all you should see what I tell my wife 8″ is! Still, it was a lot, and it was spirit-crushingly weighted by a nice 2 inch base of slush and ice. Oh, and I’m responsible for ALL the snow shoveling at my hovel!

Morning comes early when you chase bourbon with better bourbon. Add to that; when you get a dump of snow like today the kids naturally assume “snow” = “playtime”! So, its Aleve and toast for breakfast, followed by a half gallon of Seattle’s Best. “I’m UP!”

Knowing there are snow forts and snowperson (we are politically correct here) building in my future, I develop a thrifty plan to “Work-smarter-not-harder”, to clear my driveway. My next door neighbor and I have an understanding; He buys a snow blower and I dont bitch about the noise it makes! Its a great arrangement, and it saves me a bunch of time and a LOT of Aleve! MOST TIMES, anyway!

Whenever it snows more than a few inches, my neighbor “blows his snow” then I blow mine….or, whatever its called when you use that modified pressure washer. He’s real good about it, and it works out great for me! Only today there’s a problem; -He’s GONE! Yeah, he’s out of town sitting by a pool collecting little paper umbrella’s in a hotel ashtray! Some nerve! -So, I hatch me a plan! I’m gonna go Jimmy open his basement window and get into his garage to take my rightful turn with “Little Boy Blew”! On my way to his backyard, I notice the neighbor on the OTHER side has already beaten me to the mark, and HE’S now working on that same weak excuse for a window! “THAT BASTARD!”…..His driveway is shorter than mine! So, knowing how I hate to wait, I decide to make Mr Eager-Beaver PAY for his unjust act. YUP!, I call the Police and report a break-in! Oh yeah, and with the Cop Shop only a 1/2 mile away, it shouldn’t take too long for justice to be served!

Right on time, Johnny-Law pulls in as Mr Greedy-pants is in the garage rooting for the gas can! I cannot hold back my laughter as, guns drawn, Crockett and Tubbs make their way down the driveway expecting the worst. BUST-ED!

In a bit of serendipity, Mrs “Greedy-Pants” took MR GP’s car to work this morning, and therefore, leaving HIM w/o an ID! Blah-blah-blah, a few minutes later he and Colerain’s finest are over at his house trying to hash out the particulars! I sneak around the deck, and pull the golden snow-blower out of the now open garage and head back home!

I got about 3 quarters done, when there’s a tap on my shoulder! Totally expecting this for the past 20 minutes I turn around and explode with laughter! There’s Mr Greedy-Pants, and he’s NOT seeing the funny side to this yet!

We’ve been neighbors for a while so this wasn’t a total surprise to him, and after a few “No, but wait“…and, “You should have seen them creeping down the driveway“s later, and all was good again….Well, I dont think we’re playing cards tonight, but he’s not going to press charges. Hell, he’s from the Hills of Kentucky – he’s use to stUFf like this.

Bottom line, I got my driveway cleared and logged in a full hour of “daddy” time with the kids.  ALL in plenty of time to make it to the kids first soccer game! My neighbor? He got the poor-man’s version of a “stress test”, and got to use a day off he probably didn’t expect he’d need. I’m betting he spends the new-found off day drunk! Just like he did when he came back from vacation last year, and found all his furniture had been moved to different rooms!

 I bet he never sells that place!

10 reasons why Woods won’t return to golf at The Accenture.

1) Accenture was the first major Woods sponsor to completely drop the golfer.

2) If Woods is indeed at a sex rehab clinic, he’ll have no virtually no time to practice for the event. The Masters isn’t until April.

3) As noted by PGA Tour pro-turned-Golf Channel analyst Brandel Chamblee to USA TODAY, at The Masters, Woods would be inside a bubble, away from the media hordes. At The Accenture, he’d be vulnerable to inevitable media circus.

4) Woods has said that 18-hole match play is golf’s most difficult competitive format. So why would he break his game back in under that circumstance?

5) Woods, who has played the Dove Mountain desert course that will host The Accenture a limited number of times, complained about the greens last year.

6) Woods made his comeback from knee surgery at The Accenture in 2009, and was unceremoniously bounced out of the tournament in the second round by Tim Clark.

7) Normal PGA Tour events span four days of competition. The Accenture features five days of play and players can log up 36 holes on each of the last two days. That for a player who has barely practiced with a chronic bad knee?

Golf reporter Gary Van Sickle, even before the Herald-Sun claim, reported for SI that Woods would not come back at The Accenture because, “he doesn’t care for desert golf. I could see him crossing the Match Play off his list permanently, or until Accenture reinstates him.”

9) Officials at The Accenture haven’t heard anything to suggest Woods will show up.

10) The nearest Perkins is 363 miles away in Bullhead City, Arizona: