Uh, this is an actual story!….

A white American woman who had a black baby claims she fell pregnant whilst watching a porn movie in 3D. According to reports, the childs father , who is white was serving in the military in Iraq when she became pregnant.

His wife Jennifer told him the child was conceived whilst watching a porn movie in 3D.
“I see it as suspicious. The films in 3-D are very real. With today’s technology, anything is possible “he said.

Jennifer claimed she went to watch a porn film with her friends in New York and doesn’t usually watch porn movies and that she went to watch it to experience the effects in 3D. Jennifer says the child looks like the black actor in the movie. “A month after watching the movie, I started feeling dizzy and the results were positive.” she said.

Jennifer admits her marriage could be in trouble. “Even though my husband believed in me, my marriage could be at risk. But he knows I’m faithful” she said.

Uh,…..yeee-uuh!….If this story floats, I have a new idol!  Can you just imagine the story, as she tells it to her poor bastard husband who is fighting 1/2 way ’round the World?…”So, you went to a 3D porno?….aaaaannnnd did you wear the glasses on your face, or on your crotch, hon?”…”When he was coming at you, was he ACTUALLY COMING AT YOU?….”. “And this is the best story you got for me?”.

She claims the baby “looks” like the porn actor!…pppfffttt!…REALLY?….THE actor, in the 3D porno?…HAHAHAhahahaha….”Crack, its what’s for dinner!”

If that had been me, I’d have been more pizzed at the lack of effort on the story part! I guess it also helps everyone define; “Dumb Ass Whore!”…???

There’s a lot of song spoofs that suck, but this shit is hilarious!

Mazeltov!

Table dancing beats ass on that Cha-Cha shit!

I don’t have a flash drive with me, does he have any discs, does he have a cd?!?! Shit, alright I’m just going to start memorizing.

Who hasn’t been there right? You go over to your buddy’s house.  He leaves to run an errand and you hop on his computer.  Only to find that you couldn’t have picked a worse day to leave the house without your flash drive.  Dude, I keep that shit in my pocket like an American Express card. Don’t leave home without it!  I mean, what kind of smut peddler would I be if I wasn’t prepared at every moment.  When I leave it’s like Keys -Check, Wallet -Check, Flash Drive -Check. And you know I keep a spare in the car, because you never know when you may hit the mother load (pun intended).  Just be glad his boy busted in with the cake when he did, otherwise, chubby would’ve had a chubby and a handful of lotion!

This clip is only 18 seconds long, but it’s the funniest shit you will ever see!

I love how he  plants his mug in the dirt, then tries to get up and continue his routine as if nobody saw it.

 The Chart never fails…..it worked for me when I was with….

Morning comes early when you chase bourbon with better bourbon. Add to that; when you get a dump of snow like today the kids naturally assume “snow” = “playtime”! So, its Aleve and toast for breakfast, followed by a half gallon of Seattle’s Best. “I’m UP!”

Knowing there are snow forts and snowperson (we are politically correct here) building in my future, I develop a thrifty plan to “Work-smarter-not-harder”, to clear my driveway. My next door neighbor and I have an understanding; He buys a snow blower and I dont bitch about the noise it makes! Its a great arrangement, and it saves me a bunch of time and a LOT of Aleve! MOST TIMES, anyway!

Whenever it snows more than a few inches, my neighbor “blows his snow” then I blow mine….or, whatever its called when you use that modified pressure washer. He’s real good about it, and it works out great for me! Only today there’s a problem; -He’s GONE! Yeah, he’s out of town sitting by a pool collecting little paper umbrella’s in a hotel ashtray! Some nerve! -So, I hatch me a plan! I’m gonna go Jimmy open his basement window and get into his garage to take my rightful turn with “Little Boy Blew”! On my way to his backyard, I notice the neighbor on the OTHER side has already beaten me to the mark, and HE’S now working on that same weak excuse for a window! “THAT BASTARD!”…..His driveway is shorter than mine! So, knowing how I hate to wait, I decide to make Mr Eager-Beaver PAY for his unjust act. YUP!, I call the Police and report a break-in! Oh yeah, and with the Cop Shop only a 1/2 mile away, it shouldn’t take too long for justice to be served!

Right on time, Johnny-Law pulls in as Mr Greedy-pants is in the garage rooting for the gas can! I cannot hold back my laughter as, guns drawn, Crockett and Tubbs make their way down the driveway expecting the worst. BUST-ED!

In a bit of serendipity, Mrs “Greedy-Pants” took MR GP’s car to work this morning, and therefore, leaving HIM w/o an ID! Blah-blah-blah, a few minutes later he and Colerain’s finest are over at his house trying to hash out the particulars! I sneak around the deck, and pull the golden snow-blower out of the now open garage and head back home!

I got about 3 quarters done, when there’s a tap on my shoulder! Totally expecting this for the past 20 minutes I turn around and explode with laughter! There’s Mr Greedy-Pants, and he’s NOT seeing the funny side to this yet!

We’ve been neighbors for a while so this wasn’t a total surprise to him, and after a few “No, but wait“…and, “You should have seen them creeping down the driveway“s later, and all was good again….Well, I dont think we’re playing cards tonight, but he’s not going to press charges. Hell, he’s from the Hills of Kentucky – he’s use to stUFf like this.

Bottom line, I got my driveway cleared and logged in a full hour of “daddy” time with the kids.  ALL in plenty of time to make it to the kids first soccer game! My neighbor? He got the poor-man’s version of a “stress test”, and got to use a day off he probably didn’t expect he’d need. I’m betting he spends the new-found off day drunk! Just like he did when he came back from vacation last year, and found all his furniture had been moved to different rooms!

 I bet he never sells that place!

First the facts:
He’s really not a friend, just a guy I know
His wife is really hot
and…well, what else matters..lol

Here’s the thing…When I saw her, I wasn’t really sure it was her.  I couldn’t tell from the pictures.  So I sent her a message, which led to some texting and phone conversation.  But I still wasn’t sure.

I mean, it looked like her and sounded like her.  Even her phone number was eerily similar.  But I wasn’t convinced yet.  I mean, you can’t get over on The Doc that easy baby.  So, we arranged to meet!

So we met at a local sports bar.  Now at first, when she was walking up, I thought she looked really familiar but then she said “Hey Doc, long time no see, how have you been?”….and in my head I”m thinking, “yeah yeah yeah, nice try baby, but I’m still not convinced”.

So I just played along, making small talk, etc etc.  But remember, at this point I’m not even thinking about if I should tell him or not. I’m still trying to be 100% positive that it’s her.  After a few drinks and friendly conversation, we decided to go to a club, have a few more drinks and do a little dirty dancing.

We had to go right?  I mean out of respect for this guy I barely know and to be thorough in trying to identify her, it was an important step in the process.  I didn’t want to just jump the gun you know.

After a couple of hours of watching her bounce and gyrate, and slamming shots of Jack daniels like my life depended on it, wouldn’t you know my decision making process wasn’t real sharp and i decided to stop thinking about it and just have fun.

The next morning when she left, she looked at me in a way that felt familiar, like I knew her from somewhere..but I still wasn’t sure.  Well, we’ve been seeing each other for a few months and I’m still not sure.   We’re going out this weekend and I’m really thinking about just asking her, but I probably won’t…lol

It’s getting to the point where I feel like I should probably be starting to feel a little guilty if it is her, but I”m not there yet, and why ruin a GREAT thing???????

But what would you do?  I’m a little jaded, someone point me in the right direction  

Really, where is the substance here?….This kid’s mother agreed to swallow a QB Coach 8 weeks into her pregnancy so that “Jimmy” could be trained as a fetus!…I’m not kidding! This kid’s had opportunity other kids, who out-play him every day, never knew existed! Yet this “Super Star” has won absolutely SH.T in College! OK, let’s qualify that a bit, he’s done well for an average QB playing in a non-BCS conference who goes through his career with little to no mention. Compared to big time recruits, playing at what is suppose to be a “big-time” program?….He’s done less than nothing!. Hell, even UC-Davis picks up a memorable win now and again. How is it “Jimmy”-boy made it 3 years at Notre Dame, and never ONCE beat anyone of merit?(OK, so there were only a few opportunities due to the easy schedule, still…) You can only blame the defense for so much of a pathetic game against Navy, where they scored NOTHING until the final minutes. Or Syracuse, AT HOME, on Senior day when Jimmy’s offense scored a whopping 23 points against a team that gave up 42 to Akron that year! 23 points, btw, was the 3rd lowest points total given up by Syracuse ALL year!, in 2008. Yeah, they went 3-9 (including the Irish win) and were destroyed by everyone!! OK, so you’re going to say “Jimmy was just a Sophomore then….well yeah, a 21 year old Sophomore!

Yet, Jimmy has had NONE of those type games in HIS career! None! He didn’t even win 1/2 the games he was suppose to, much less direct even ONE “big” win!

As the younger brother of two former Division I quarterbacks—Casey and Rick Clausen, who both played at Tennessee—Jimmy Clausen gained media attention very early. Beginning in eighth grade, his parents paid his tutelage under professional quarterbacks coach Steve Clarkson. During his junior season, a Sports Illustrated feature dubbed him “The Kid with The Golden Arm”. Recruiting analysts considered him a “once in a decade” quarterback talent and ranked him as the #1 overall prospect of the 2007 high school class. Because of his quick release, some in the media compared him to Joe Namath.

Critics have questioned whether Clausen’s success in high school was largely a product of his team—containing almost a dozen players that went on to play for NCAA Division I Bowl Subdivision teams, including a highly-ranked running back, Marc Tyler—and the inferior talent level of its opponents. Many of these critics pointed to the 2007 U.S. Army All-American Bowlin which Clausen was outplayed by fellow 2007 quarterback recruit, Ryan Mallett. Further, Clausen’s age is a subject of criticism: he started kindergarten at six and repeated sixth grade, thus he was 19 years old at the time of his “early” graduation.

On April 22, 2006, Clausen verbally committed to the University of Notre Dame. He was the most highly touted recruit for the Fighting Irish since the arrival of Ron Powlus in 1993. Clausen announced his oral commitment at the College Football Hall of Fame in South Bend, Indiana, after arriving in a stretch Hummer limousine. He also said his goal was to win multiple national titles with the Irish. 

This year, “Jimmy-Jimmy” has logged 23 TD’s to only 4 INT’s, and thrown for 3382 yards. This is, I hope, what his advisers are banking an NFL future on…but again, what’s it mean? His defense “allowed” him to be ON the field a lot, and often in a position where he HAD to hurl the ball,….He played against an absolutely horrible schedule – all three years, and of those teams they played, most were soft defensively! Of the 23 TD’s he’s thrown this year, nearly a third of them (7) came in the first two weeks of this season; –against Nevada (117th worst pass defense) and hapless Michigan (in a game he lost; to a team that finished 5-7 !). He cant even boast that he managed his games well, as fumbles, a throw off a wr’s back, and keys sacks taken have plaugued him as well! Not even having two(2) of the best Wide-Outs the school has seen in 25 years, could ensure a .500 record! This, once again, against a schedule that would have had Idaho State licking their chops in anticipation! “Jimmy and the Fat Man” failed, failed, FAILED! Failed to get the wins deserving of their hype (and Coaches salary), FAILED to get even that one signature win, and failed to finish above .500! (assuming they’ll lose today). Oh, they also failed to return to any “worthy” Bowl Game!  

Yeah, go play another team with a 100-something ranked pass defense in a Bowl game, JIMMY!…pad your stats, so an NFL team picks you. You will fail just like you did given all the advantages you’ve had!….Really, you give Forrest Gump that kind of starting off point, and he’d have beaten Navy all 3 times! Jimmy = Joe Namath…HAHAHAHAHA! …Here’s hoping the dumb ass Cleveland Browns take another Charlie Weis Collegiate ”product”!, and sink their franchise for another 10-12 years!  – Charlie, I hope ND retains you for the life of your fat-ass contract! You give a whole lot of people a LOT to laugh about! Either YOU ruined Jimmy, or Jimmy was never that good,…either way, keep it up Chunky!

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Q. Can you name eleven parts of the human body which are only three letters long?

A. Ear, eye, lip, jaw, toe, leg, arm, gum, hip, rib & tit.

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The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm. “Oh God,” she cried, “it’s my husband! Quick, jump out the window.” The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then stopped. “Are you crazy,” he said, “we’re on the 13th floor.” “Shit,” cried the young lady in exasperation, “do you think that this is the right f.cking time to be superstitious?”

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Q. Why is an ugly girl like a bedspread? A. They both get turned down at the end of the night.

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A man studied the menu long and hard, and finally turned to the waiter for help. “Well,” said the waiter, “today our special is chicken on a bed of wild rice with green beans almandine and a nice side salad.” “That sounds great. How is your chicken prepared?” “We break it to him very gently and tell him it’s nothing personal.”

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A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.”And what will your third wish be?” The man looked at the genie and said, “Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?” “You have had two wishes already,” the genie said, “but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left.” “Okay,” said the man, “I don’t believe this, but what the heck. I’ve always wanted to understand women. I’d love to know what’s going on inside their heads.” “Funny,” said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, “That was your first wish, too!”

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8-Ball was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the job center he was offered work at the local Zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation told him to take care of the tortoise section. Later, the keeper dropped by to see how 8-Ball was getting on and found him standing by an empty enclosure. “Where are the tortoises?” he asked him. “I can’t believe it” said 8-Ball “I just opened the door and then…..Whooooosh!”

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Q. What do Vanilla Ice, Eminem and Barack Obama have in common? A. They all made careers pretending to be black.

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Doc and The Golfer are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks. Doc gets a curious look on his face and asks, “Hey, Golfer, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?” “Yep”, says The Golfer,” I’ve been married to one for five years!”

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Riddle: John’s mother had four children. The first was April, the second was May, the third was June. What was the name of her fourth child?

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A guy goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in. “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much more inviting these days.” The priest replies, “F.ck off! You’re on my side!”

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Machine is very upset and yells at his 8-Ball, “You slept with my wife, you son of a bitch. I am gonna make you pay for what you did.” “That’s Bullshit,” fires back 8-Ball, “why should I have to pay twice?”

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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, ‘He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.’ Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having SEX would surely be asking for trouble. ‘Oh no, my dear,’ replied granny. ‘Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the Church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.’ She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, ‘He’d still be alive if that f.cking ice cream truck hadn’t come along.’

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“He’s great on the court,” a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach. “But how’s his scholastic work?” “Why, he makes straight A’s,” replied the coach. “Wonderful!” said the sportswriter. “Yes,” agreed the coach, “but his B’s are a little crooked.”

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A slice of pizza is in the stomach, waiting to be digested. Suddenly, a shot of whiskey barrels down. The pizza lets it pass in front of him. A few minutes later, another shot of whiskey comes through. Courteously, the pizza lets it pass in front of him, too. A few minutes later, a third shot of whiskey tumbles into the stomach. The pizza asks the whiskey, “What’s going on up there?” “They’re having a really great party”, says the whiskey. “Really?”, responds the pizza. “I think I’ll go up there and take a look”.

Verne Troyer (Mini-Me) was recently served a temporary restraining order on behalf of drop dead stunner Yvette Monet. According to Monet, she and Troyer used to date, but broke up several months ago. Apparently they had a…wait for it,..waaaaiiitttt for it…..”Little” fling going on.

Now she claims to be afraid for her life, because like some rampaging Chucky doll, Verne just won’t leave her alone. She also claims that he has a gun, which I find hilarious, because I don’t know of any handguns that he could actually pull the trigger on. A rifle or shotgun is an even more side splitting possibility.

According to Yvette (who I must assume really, really loved her Cabbage Patch Dolls as a child), Troyer has been calling her and text messaging her with threats, telling her that his friends “Burt” and “Jose” have guns and will do anything that he tells them to.

This is ridiculous!

Do people actually believe that some psychotic little Muppet has the power to convince not one but two (ahem) “full grown” men to do his bidding? Unlikely.

Verne Troyer is best known for his role as Mini-Me in the Austin Powers films and for his drunken ridiculousness on the VH1 scumfest The Surreal Life, however some people know him as the little gnome that made a sex tape with former live in girlfriend Renae Shrider. Yuck. And “YUCK” lives HERE!

OR, CLICK HERE

Are you scared?…YET?!?!?!

A German company has invented a marvelous new bikini that disappears once a girl puts it on and takes a swim.

The sexy swimsuit disappears by dissolving in water, leaving a woman completely nude and embarrassed. The sexy black swimsuit looks like a real bikini, feels like a real bikini and fits like a real bikini. The only difference is it’s made from a material that completely melts away after a few seconds in water.

Named the “Get Naked Bikini,” the item is being marketed as the ultimate form of revenge for recently-dumped dudes. The bikini has upset women’s rights groups, with one campaigner, Rosmarie Zapfl, saying, “It is an absolute insult to women that this has been invented.”

It sounds like Ms. Zapfl needs a nice gift to calm her down. May we suggest a new bikini, BEOTCH?!?!….NNNOOOOOOO!, please GAWD, NO!!!

Apparently dude was OK,…..kinda sad, I know…

110 decibels!