..or, Will Ferrell “as”, anyway…This guy has SO much range!!!

Uh, this is an actual story!….

A white American woman who had a black baby claims she fell pregnant whilst watching a porn movie in 3D. According to reports, the childs father , who is white was serving in the military in Iraq when she became pregnant.

His wife Jennifer told him the child was conceived whilst watching a porn movie in 3D.
“I see it as suspicious. The films in 3-D are very real. With today’s technology, anything is possible “he said.

Jennifer claimed she went to watch a porn film with her friends in New York and doesn’t usually watch porn movies and that she went to watch it to experience the effects in 3D. Jennifer says the child looks like the black actor in the movie. “A month after watching the movie, I started feeling dizzy and the results were positive.” she said.

Jennifer admits her marriage could be in trouble. “Even though my husband believed in me, my marriage could be at risk. But he knows I’m faithful” she said.

Uh,…..yeee-uuh!….If this story floats, I have a new idol!  Can you just imagine the story, as she tells it to her poor bastard husband who is fighting 1/2 way ’round the World?…”So, you went to a 3D porno?….aaaaannnnd did you wear the glasses on your face, or on your crotch, hon?”…”When he was coming at you, was he ACTUALLY COMING AT YOU?….”. “And this is the best story you got for me?”.

She claims the baby “looks” like the porn actor!…pppfffttt!…REALLY?….THE actor, in the 3D porno?…HAHAHAhahahaha….”Crack, its what’s for dinner!”

If that had been me, I’d have been more pizzed at the lack of effort on the story part! I guess it also helps everyone define; “Dumb Ass Whore!”…???

There’s a lot of song spoofs that suck, but this shit is hilarious!

Mazeltov!

MAD SKILLS!….indeed! How do you nominate a dancer for that show, anyway???

Table dancing beats ass on that Cha-Cha shit!

I don’t have a flash drive with me, does he have any discs, does he have a cd?!?! Shit, alright I’m just going to start memorizing.

Who hasn’t been there right? You go over to your buddy’s house.  He leaves to run an errand and you hop on his computer.  Only to find that you couldn’t have picked a worse day to leave the house without your flash drive.  Dude, I keep that shit in my pocket like an American Express card. Don’t leave home without it!  I mean, what kind of smut peddler would I be if I wasn’t prepared at every moment.  When I leave it’s like Keys -Check, Wallet -Check, Flash Drive -Check. And you know I keep a spare in the car, because you never know when you may hit the mother load (pun intended).  Just be glad his boy busted in with the cake when he did, otherwise, chubby would’ve had a chubby and a handful of lotion!

“GO BEN GO!”

This clip is only 18 seconds long, but it’s the funniest shit you will ever see!

I love how he  plants his mug in the dirt, then tries to get up and continue his routine as if nobody saw it.

So, you’re probably wondering if the Day is gonna PAY OFF for you…..well, you should! Look at your ass! You can’t EVEN be sure!. So, I found this VDay Chart to help you KNOW! Don’t thank me, its all in the chart!

 The Chart never fails…..it worked for me when I was with….

CLICK HERE!

So, in case you haven’t heard, we had a snow storm ”blow” through our little slice of heaven last night. Reports have it recorded as 4-6 inches, but I think we got more here at Casa de’UFreak. I could be wrong I guess, after all you should see what I tell my wife 8″ is! Still, it was a lot, and it was spirit-crushingly weighted by a nice 2 inch base of slush and ice. Oh, and I’m responsible for ALL the snow shoveling at my hovel!

Morning comes early when you chase bourbon with better bourbon. Add to that; when you get a dump of snow like today the kids naturally assume “snow” = “playtime”! So, its Aleve and toast for breakfast, followed by a half gallon of Seattle’s Best. “I’m UP!”

Knowing there are snow forts and snowperson (we are politically correct here) building in my future, I develop a thrifty plan to “Work-smarter-not-harder”, to clear my driveway. My next door neighbor and I have an understanding; He buys a snow blower and I dont bitch about the noise it makes! Its a great arrangement, and it saves me a bunch of time and a LOT of Aleve! MOST TIMES, anyway!

Whenever it snows more than a few inches, my neighbor “blows his snow” then I blow mine….or, whatever its called when you use that modified pressure washer. He’s real good about it, and it works out great for me! Only today there’s a problem; -He’s GONE! Yeah, he’s out of town sitting by a pool collecting little paper umbrella’s in a hotel ashtray! Some nerve! -So, I hatch me a plan! I’m gonna go Jimmy open his basement window and get into his garage to take my rightful turn with “Little Boy Blew”! On my way to his backyard, I notice the neighbor on the OTHER side has already beaten me to the mark, and HE’S now working on that same weak excuse for a window! “THAT BASTARD!”…..His driveway is shorter than mine! So, knowing how I hate to wait, I decide to make Mr Eager-Beaver PAY for his unjust act. YUP!, I call the Police and report a break-in! Oh yeah, and with the Cop Shop only a 1/2 mile away, it shouldn’t take too long for justice to be served!

Right on time, Johnny-Law pulls in as Mr Greedy-pants is in the garage rooting for the gas can! I cannot hold back my laughter as, guns drawn, Crockett and Tubbs make their way down the driveway expecting the worst. BUST-ED!

In a bit of serendipity, Mrs “Greedy-Pants” took MR GP’s car to work this morning, and therefore, leaving HIM w/o an ID! Blah-blah-blah, a few minutes later he and Colerain’s finest are over at his house trying to hash out the particulars! I sneak around the deck, and pull the golden snow-blower out of the now open garage and head back home!

I got about 3 quarters done, when there’s a tap on my shoulder! Totally expecting this for the past 20 minutes I turn around and explode with laughter! There’s Mr Greedy-Pants, and he’s NOT seeing the funny side to this yet!

We’ve been neighbors for a while so this wasn’t a total surprise to him, and after a few “No, but wait“…and, “You should have seen them creeping down the driveway“s later, and all was good again….Well, I dont think we’re playing cards tonight, but he’s not going to press charges. Hell, he’s from the Hills of Kentucky – he’s use to stUFf like this.

Bottom line, I got my driveway cleared and logged in a full hour of “daddy” time with the kids.  ALL in plenty of time to make it to the kids first soccer game! My neighbor? He got the poor-man’s version of a “stress test”, and got to use a day off he probably didn’t expect he’d need. I’m betting he spends the new-found off day drunk! Just like he did when he came back from vacation last year, and found all his furniture had been moved to different rooms!

 I bet he never sells that place!