FatGuySports field reporter, Richard Gozinya, was able to obtain a copy of the “Top ten list” that Chud’s gonna read, whilst he further whores himself on Letterman this Thursday!

 LUCKY YOU’Z!……

Top Ten Reasons I’m a Douche, by Chud the dud;

10. Its 2009, yet I still wear fake gold teefs!

9. I promote the mohawk!…and NO, I’m not 12 years old!….????

8. I’m a self-promoting media whore….I sacrifice winning Football games to get Face-time!….I can’t stop doing that!

7. I yell at other players, say bad things about the City I play in, the people, the team, and the fans; then say I’m sorry and expect to be loved again!

6. I think I’m a Hall of Famer, and even had a two year old cut letters & numbers out of electrical tape and then stick them on a jacket I got from Goodwill, to prove it! (I’m insecure!)..yeah, then I wore the hideous thing on the side-lines during the game!…can you believe that sh.t???….Wow, I’m a douche!

5. I changed my name to “8″, “5″  (in Spanish) and not “85″ because I did no research whats-so-ever into the Spanish language, and just assumed “8″ and “5″ meant 85…(you know, like in “Inglish”!) in my efforts to forge an “in” into the Spanish market. I tried to market this 2 years ago, but, dumb as I am, I f*cked up the paper work. I also forgot to check with the NFL about doing this, and had to stay “Johnson” for a year. Fortunately, ….Spanish fans are as easy to dupe as American fans are!!!

4. I block as effectivly as a wind-chime prevents tornados!

3. I punched a Coach during half-time of the only playoff game in Bungle history (last 20 years, actually), because I thought they weren’t throwing me the ball enUFf….We were winning at the time, then after I acted like a freakin’ idiot, we went out and lost the game….yeah, Pittsburgh is our #1 rival, and they ended up winning another Super Bowl as a direct result of my ass’ness!

2. I count a double-homicide knife killer like Ray-Ray Lewis among the people who have influenced me and help me pursue a media whore life. He killed 2 guys in a bar down in Atlanta, then walked from it!…HAHAHAHA!…yeah, and a few years later, the Ravens voted him “Man of the Year” for their team….fans ate that sh.t up!….tell me they’re not stupid!…I love dumb fans!

1. I took a dive in a game against bUFfalo a few years ago. It was a game that would have possibly carried us to the post-season, but then some idiot called for me to run a quick slant, and the DB almost took my head off….you know, because I’m a d.ckhead a lot of times,..so,…he said I should just stay down or he was gonna “F” me up good,..so,…sh.t, man,…I stayed down!…After all, I’m a puzzy too!

 

…”Gheesh, there are tons more, Dave,…you sure you just want 10 reasons why I’m a f*ckin’ douchebag?…like, I work on skits and stunts to do after scores, which prove important to me, but not the team I’m suppose to be helping to win games?, or,….Oh, I paid some fans to sit in the front row at a Green Bay game, so if I scored I could jump in the stands!…uh, let’s see, I wear shirts with “Louis Vuitton” on them, proving I’m transexual too-as a call out to the homosexual fans…Yeah, I know, that’s pretty pathetic,….as is most of the stunt-crap I do!….
WHAT?..Get the “what” outta here?…Hey, wait a minute, I LIKE people with gaps between their front teeth,…Maybe I’ll get a gap like that cut into a pair of gold teefs and we’ll do a song together?….huh?…What’ya mean, Paul throw a tuba at this a$$hole??….”—————————- flat-line!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

its…”Ah-strailian fuh BEE-yuh!”… (that’s; “Austrailian for beer” for you lay-people)

Vergina, the OTHER frothy hop’py meat!….AND!…the NEW un-official beer of FatGuySport’ers!….Vergina Beer; It “comes” in a big old Oil Can, like-um Fosters! “Suck back on a refreshing V-”…ok, we get the idea!….(damn I’m immature!)

No,..even a douchebag lookin’ dude like that guy won’t keep me from fully endorsing this product! Not. even. close…BUD!!!

This’ll tick off some locals!….and maybe it should. I can’t get over USC being allowed to lose to HORRIBLE teams year after year, and still getting the highest ranking a one loss team can get! Washington?….Losing to Washington should discount them down to a 2 loss team. SURE,..the National Championship game in IN the Rose Bowl this year, and ooooh how nice that would be???….but WASHINGTON?….whew! The also (only) beat Oregon State by 6 points!?!?….UC thumped ‘em!

 BCS Standings

Then there’s the IOWA love…which to a degree is valid, but a 4th and goal TD pass with no time left to beat Michy State?..If Florida or Alabama had done that, they’d have been blasted…..yet for Iowa?…They’re treated like Royalty for a BUNCH of really ugly wins, and one strong win at PSU. LOOK . They beat Northern Iowa by one?,..and beat Arky State by 3?……Florida beat REGULAR Arky by three and were beat down for it! I understand the love, to a point, but the hate for some teams and the global love for “anyone else” is a bit over the top. Particularly when you use a double standard like that.

Alabama \ Tennessee….THAT was a finish there!….UCLA beat those Kiffin’s? Hhhmm, maybe they were a little too pre-occupied with their next game to give UCLA the respect they should have given them???? Does that mean Meyer is responsible for 2 of Kif’s losses this year?

1. Florida:  Pros; Undefeated, beat a top 5 team on the road Defense very strong.  Cons; Winning close games against teams they should beat by more. Offense not playing well, horrible turnovers.

2. Alabama: Pros; Beat Virginia Tech (neutral site), great D and POWERFUL RB in Ingram. Cons; have been close at times, including 2pt home win against Kiffin’s Vols 10.24.09.

3. Texas: Pros; Big win against Mizzu, strong D and Spl teams. Cons; horrible schedule, barely beat Okly in a game Okly lost 4 of 5 lineman and their QB. The BIG12 has no team in the North, the Title game will get ugly. conference is down.

4. UCincinnati: Pros; Explosive offense, beat Oregon State (away game) by MORE than USC did playing the game in LA! Cons; Haven’t hit a top team yet, big games are UWV and Pitt.

5. Iowa: Pros; Undefeated, beat PSU in Happy Valley. Cons; all wins are ugly/lucky. This is a negative when other teams do it, so it is here too. Also tOSU will beat them in Columbus.

6. TCU: Pros; undefeated, beat BYU like a drum on the road. Cons: barely beat Clemson (but it was on the road), weak schedule, any of the teams above them would also be undefeated here.

7. Boise State: Pros; Undefeated, took out Oregon -though Oregon was lost on opening day. Oregon wasn’t going to beat ANY team on that day, so a win, but more based on super timing.

8. Oregon: Pros; super offense, beat Utah, great looking uni’s and defense is playing well. Cons; lost on the road at BSU, RB sucker-punched a player on live TV, have won big, but not against a biggie (yet)….Cal was a phony!-but they did destroy them!

9. LSU: PRO’s; Beat Washington on the road (same team that beat USC) great defense, maturing offense. CONS: lost home game, but that was to #1 Florida. Still has to show up against Alabama.

10. Southern California: Pros; Great fan support, beat Ohio State on the road, beat over-rated Notre Dame on the road. CONS; Lost to 3-5 Washington!..should be -’nUFf said! Any loss to a team that bad, should disqualify this team. They lost to Washington after LSU beat them in the same building! No excuse can cover up this loss. They beat Oregon State by less than UC did IN Corvallis. They should need a LOT of help to make the BCS Game, even though its in their media market this year!

Mix in to the next five : Georgia Tech, Oklahoma State, PENNiState, Miami(U), and  Pitt…. Not sure how ANYone can rate USC higher than UC at this point. They lost a game, and it was against a nobody. UC played a common opponent and destroyed them (OSUw).

You’re the Bungles top brASS-person….meaning you’re Mike or Katie! You have a mid-twenty pick in the NFL Draft, due to some shrewd pre-draft day deal. With your regular pick (a mid-teen pick) you address the DE hole you feel needs sureing up, but in the mid-or-early twenty something pick you see: CJ Spiller and also note that Mardy Gilyard is there. Who do YOU take?

CJ Spiller or Mardy Gilyard?….Spiller rates (presently) as perhaps the higher pick, but how could SOP (or YOU AS SOP!?!?!) “pass” on this kid Gilyard without pause? I say you got a tUFf call there,….but I take MG! WHY?…Cause, more than anything, I want to dump Chud Ocho-stinko off the squad, and if I DIDN’T just move his clown-act ass to GET this pick, I trade him after I make it for anything I could get!…yes, even for a cooler full of Sam Adam Octoberfest bee-yuhz!

Of course, what are the odds we get a front line DE (Hardy) and then fall into another first-round pick (trade Chud!…trade Chud!…) particularly with the REAL SOP and Katie in charge!?!?!?

NOTHING?…Ok, maybe not “nothing”, but ts not as bad as Miss Herbstreit is making it out to be today (on ESPN), either! Nor is it time to BENCH Pryor!

Vest Tressel might not be quite the Coach he was made out to be earlier in his career, perhaps more suited to the old time game than the newer versions? How do you take ANY kid who is 6′4″ 240 and runs a 4.3 forty,..and NOT get him to play better than this kid has so far??? I guess I’m siding with the scores of fans who are upset with Tressyball, as it applies to this years team, specifically. Tress should be aware of his shortcomings from a year ago, and maybe get the 2009 offense to cater to Pryors’ ability! Really, some of this is Pryor NOT being as good as the hype-machine “said” he’d be (or “was”), and part of this has to be Vest-man NOT adapting.

In Pryor’s “defense”, didn’t he play Div III Football in Pennsylvania? Not that there is ANY THING wrong wit hDIV III Football….nothing! Its just, he went from being a gawd in DIV III to playing in a BIG STAGE!….Maybea conference that was down, bt still a big stage (Program). Think about what a DIV III Coach will/aould do with a beast of a kid like T-Pry!….yeah, he knows there are huge mis-matches at that level when you have a shtud like Pryor going up against those teams. Not to take away ANYTHING from Pryors ability, and I understand he only rode the hype-machine (he didn’t write it!). Still, how many kids with his size and speed would be this average; at this level? Tressy is either wasting this kid, or he’s not that good?…or, maybe he can’t mentally absorb the plays?

WHAT IS IT???…and what will/can be done?…..yeah, nothing!…Tressel has a lot of built up credits in Columbus, so….deal with it and go. Still, fans are gonna vent,…but like we’ve seen in Cincinnati for 20 years, it doesn’t matter!

My opinion is, the only thing wrong with OSU is they lost a game they should have won. Nothing more. Think how USCw fans feel most years!, when they lose to a bad PAC10 team nearly every year. OSU will win this game today, and all those excited fans will feel a whole lot better!…..Then they’ll beat Iowa and Penn State and talk about how they should be in the Title game again!

…AND “DON’T” click it right here!

Saturday = GAME DAY!….Louisville (2-4) at Cincinnati (6-0),3:30 EST, ESPNU, Saturday, October 24

Why to watch: These are strange times in Cincinnati, indeed. One of just seven unbeaten teams left in the country, the Bearcats are navigating uncharted waters after debuting at No. 5 in the first BCS rankings. However, they’re also trying to process an injury to star QB Tony Pike, who sprained his wrist and aggravated a plate in his forearm in Thursday’s key win over South Florida. He hasn’t been ruled out of this week’s game, though super sub Zach Collaros will prepare as if he’ll be the starter. Winners of five of the last six in this rivalry, Louisville needs to get its hands on the Keg of Nails in the worst way. The Cardinals are in danger of circling the drain after fumbling a game to Connecticut and falling two games below .500. With rumors about Steve Kragthorpe’s future beginning to swirl, the team needs to tune out the noise and focus on picking up a Big East win.
Why Louisville might win: Obviously, if Pike is unavailable, it’s a boon to the Cardinals’ chances. As good as Collaros was in Tampa, he has limited experience and nowhere near the potential as a passer, which neutralizes Mardy Gilyard and the talented Cincy receivers. Adam Froman is settling into his role as the starting quarterback, throwing for 295 yards on Connecticut and getting the best out of WR Scott Long. With a threat from the passing game, backs Victor Anderson and Bilal Powell have started to enjoy more running room than earlier in the year.
Why Cincinnati might win: Even if the Bearcat offense takes a step back until Pike is up and running, the defense is capable of picking up the slack. One of the biggest surprises of the first half in the Big East, the rebuilt unit has been stout, yielding just 14 points a game and leading the country in tackles for loss. It’s been a total team effort, with first-time starters, like LB JK Schaffer, DT Derek Wolfe, and CB Dominique Battle, rising to the challenge. The always-important turnover battle will heavily favor the home team. While Cincinnati ranks No. 5 nationally, Louisville is No. 90 and having problems protecting the ball.
Who to watch: The Cincinnati D was playing well before LB Curtis Young returned, but it’ll be even deeper and harder to circumvent now that he’s back from knee surgery. A hybrid between an outside linebacker and a defensive end, he had three tackles for loss in the opener with Rutgers before getting hurt a week later. In the South Florida game, he had five solo tackles and two more stops behind the line, signaling a rapid return to his pre-injury form.
What will happen: Considering all that’s swirling around Cincinnati these days, might it be vulnerable a week following the nationally-hyped South Florida game? You bet. Especially in a rivalry game, the Bearcats will have to be careful not to get caught in a lull. They’ll struggle early before the defense comes through with a couple of key stops and turnovers to change the tempo of the game. Cincy will remain unbeaten, but will have to sweat this one out for a while. 

 
Prediction: Cincinnati 30 … Louisville 17 … Line: Cincinnati (-17)…

Poor, Poor, POOR Mr (Marcus) Jordan…..(son of the MAN, Michael Jordan) He’s in quite a fix, down in UCF, ain’t “him”!?!?!

What a complex problem young Mr Jordan is faced with here. GOOD GAWD can’t we have a benefit for this young man…..Holy Flying ass-crap Batman, Marcus Jordan just CAN’T wear free Adidas shoes! And “Oh my gawd” why should he, huh?!?!?

WHOA IS MARCUS!

Ya know, tUFf friggin’ Twinkies MARCUS!….maybe you should have researched your chosen school a little bit more before you signed on to play there. Adidas sponsors the school, DEAL WITH it! Christ, with all the problems out there, THIS one deserves more media coverage??!….Please, please, PLEASE, Corporate Adidas, let this man wear a FREE NIKE shoe when he plays for his team, which you sponsor!…What total and complete CRAP!…Wear the gawd-damn Adidas shoe, you elitist punk! THEY’RE FREE!…You only HAVE to wear them for 20 and 20 on game days!….When “ur chillin’” you can wear your proud papa’s shoes ALL YOU WANT!…get over it, your Dad wore the “company” shoe he was “GIVEN” to wear, now its your turn.

“I want to honor the family name, and wear Nike”!….well, hawt damn, dude, you should have gone to a Nike team! Freakin’ kids these days,…..ITS JUST A SHOE!…your TEAM-MATES will be wearing them!…If you’re too good to wear them, maybe transfer the HAIL out!. OR!,…just tUFf it out Marcus, it builds character, which you’re obviously lacking!

Tim Tebow will NOT be an NFL QB!…Its been said, and said and, to a large degree, ENJOYED by millions of fans who hate either the Gators, or the kid himself. Like pigs rolling in sh.t, I’ve heard and been told directly that many “In the Know” Football “people” had/have discounted the Florida QB’s chances of turning Pro, AND being a Quarterback (in the NFL).

 Double “T” has lived with this kind of press for about 4 years now, and has done pretty well anyway. He’ll never, of course, do enUFf for ALL those ”kind” of fans, but!; He was a decent part of the ‘06 Champions team, won a Heisman in ‘07, then directed/led his team to a 2nd Natty Title (in 3 years) as a Junior ‘08(a true Junior, at that!). Each year he was met with great media hype, but also great media gripe too! He’s marked by some outstanding defensive player, in nearly every game he’s played since 2007-usually for nothing more than “who” he is. He’s never disrespected another player, or talked up the smack. He’s never been arrested, or suspected of cheating in the classroom, or even gotten a parking ticket. He gives more of his time in a month, than anyone discrediting him will in 10 years (on average) STILL, he’s hated and marked for death (so to speak)….Yet until one of his own Line-mans knee went crashing into the back of his head (in the UK game) he generally made it out OK in every game (He did break his hand against F$U in 2007, but played out thru the Bowl game anyway). Each year Tebow has done,…OK, for himself, despite the Hate Nation!

NOW, following the unlikely loss by the Terrelle Pryor led Buckeyes, to lowly Purdue!….Mr Pryor is finally facing some critics of his own. Coach Vesty Tressy is too, it seems. Pryors High School Coach, Ray Reitz has taken a few passing shots at Columbus and Mr Vest recently, going as far as to say Pryor would be doing better had he gone to Michigan!…..Can you almost HEAR Richie Rodsmiling from here? Now, Pryor and OSU are far from dead, and I still bet he has a lot of good days ahead of him….BUT, the chatter now among the “experts” is that Pryor projects as a WR, not an NFL QB…..Funny to see how the Tebow haters, and Pryor lovers are going to sound off about this, latest twist of irony. y’all cursed him!

Bucknutts shouldn’t take this as a blast on them, Pryor OR Tressy!…No,…more like this is the same GOING, as it was COMING!..There’s no sense of “happy” over here, only pointing out what’s topical these days!

Where’s the OUTRAGE?!?!?!…Where are the violins?…Where’s the rage that a Head Coach of a team is “politicking” for his team to the College Football World? Short memories? If THIS isn’t the “full monty” in/of his plea, its certainly the first chapter. It may not (yet) have taken on the grand scope of some of the others before him, but its there to read! Its also clearly the begining of MORE to come!

Seems the World was all afire in 2006 when Urban Meyer was asked (in December, mind you) if he thought his team deserved to be in the BCS Championship Game, against tOSU….the fan reaction in much of the country, including THIS AREA, was that Mr Meyer was guilty of politicking, so to speak. Some fans even termed him Urban “Cryer” (Meyer), for his “sins”. By the time his team packed up and left Arizona, following his 41-14 win, the name was his forever. HE was right!…and those who gave him his nickname, were dead-ass wrong! Didn’t matter! Since then, other fans who probably don’t even follow the game all that much, picked up on the cool nickname, just out of spite/hate!

Fast forward to October 18th, 2009 and we now have another in the LONG and distinguished line of front men talking positive about their team; this time it strikes in Cincinnati, OHIO. Yes, Mr Brian Kryer Kelly has thrown his whistle into the ring. So, where is the public outcry here, or negative chatter??…oooooohhhh, right, hypocrites -almost forgot!! Sure, what else can it be?….Kelly is just talking about his team!, right?….and Meyer wasn’t?…..Well, that is,..Meyer, and the 45 other that have answered that question in the same manner, over the last 20+ years…??

I’m here to say, I AM A FAN of Mr Kelly (and Mardy Gilyard, for that matter), and I’m NOT calling for his head over this opinion (just as I didn’t with Urbs). Its valid, in my opinon. Perhaps in just the same manner Urbs was back in ‘06. Not ALL of the Cocaches who “blindly promote” have had merit though;..Marshall, Tulane, ECU, TCU, K-State, to name just a few. I do have to say, in Meyers’ case, when HE was asked (and responded), it was AFTER he’d finished his season. Not thru 1/2 of it, as some of the others have done. I hope Texas ends up losing and the Gators can muster enUFf offense up to get past the rest of the teams on their schedule!…Thus opening up the VERY good possibility of a UF/UC BCS Title Game! Of course Machine will cry about poor ol’Boise State not getting the nod, but I’ll get over that pretty easy. (11 games vs teams ranked higher than 67?…and 3 ranked OVER 100?..yeah, not really too much to get moved about there….hell, Idado is 6-0 right now….you know where they’re ranked right now?…exactly!) Oh, and get ready for other fans who couldn’t SPELL Brian Kelly 3 weeks ago, to alla sudden have a great problem with him (politicking, runnning up the score, and my fav -”Lying to recruits”…how some nuts KNOW this, is odd, but they do it!). Its part of it, apparently…why?…pppfffttt, who knows? Hate seems to flow heavy towards those who win!

 UC NEWS:

PIKE MIGHT PLAY vs LOUISVILLE

Can the USCw secondary contain the Claussen-Pickle boy? Can the Pickle-boy throw against a team WITH an active secondary (one with a pulse)?…..Obviously THIS is where the game will be decided. Sure, Charlie’s porous defense will have to produce about a +4 T/O ratio, or at least score a few TD’s in order for this to be a game, but….the Irish DO have one thing working in their favor:…yeah, HER!

…………………………………look!

If Miss “Hawt-thighs” McTightPants can play “cover-corner”, too, the Irish will stand a chance. If not, then she’ll need to work the Trojan sideline like an over-aggressive “TRICK-or-TREATER”, this afternoon!….From her eye make-up to the tips of her black boots, she’s got the goods! BUT, will she have the endurance?

One thing is FOR SURE!…she won’t have ANY effect on “JIMMY“!…AT ALL!….yeah, its like a roving safety, he won’t even SEE HER out there!

Prediction:…..She’s a big hit, but the Irish fall for the 8th straight time to USCw….and like most games ND plays against ranked teams (under Chunky), this one will be ugly! Jimmy-Jimmy throws a few picks, but throws a late TD too, in the 27-13 loss.

Cats roll USF in PRIME TIME!..LOOK ready to take it up a notch! Brian Kelly, YOU DA MAN!!!  34-17

HHhmmm, seems that tired over-used saying that rings through the Sports World alla time; “Everyone deserves a second chance” only applies to certain situations.

Apparently it applies to those players who killed people (even double homicide stabbings), have beaten women, made it rain and crippled people, drown underperforming dogs, and hUFf enUFf drugs to sink a ship. Yeah, do any of that (and more I missed) and you can play w/o a problem. Try and buy into a franchise though, and BAM!….can’t use that saying anymore.

Rush Limbaugh, who I could personally give two dead flies for either way, was involved in a partnership proposing to buy the St Louis Rams….yeah, I know,…WHO would want them? Still, why can’t The Rush use the old “HEY!,..give me a second chance”!!….after all, there are a large number of PLAYERS in the NFL that have done REAL physical harm, DEATH EVEN, to a good number of people, but they “get another chance”….Most recently and as equally as FAMOUSLY, was Mikey Vick. Donte Stallworth KILLED a guy! Look, I don’t even CARE who ends up with the franchise, its just seems hypocritical to me to hear these arguments….and then hear that phrase used over and over to support the players for re-instatement.

Rush Limbaugh said some things, and some things have been attached to him that haven’t ever been confirmed, it appears. Oh, and; He’s “paid” his dues!(that’s another biggie!),..He was removed from ESPN for THIS, again, not an absolute cut-n-dry case, it seems. But he lost his job, and was crushed in the media!  One response in that link, says there is ”No room in sports broadcasting for racism”. I accept, believe and support that notion full bore!…However, I cannot believe murders ARE something that same person (who made that quote, you can read it there for yourself) would endorse….Yet there are several in the NFL who have BEYOND A DOUBT, killed people. And Ray-Ray who just paid the families of the guys HE killed, to shut up and go away. Certainly the substance in the case against Ray-Ray was at least EQUAL to that evidence against the Rush-guy. Kepp Rush out!..fine, but take the others out too!

Again, it bears another mention, that I do not view Limbaugh in a good personal light here, and could really care less about his pursuit on most levels; BUT if you’re allowed to keep him out, why not the others who have done much worse? Where’s his 2nd chance?….Rape, Murder, Drugs, Sexism, multiple arrests….all those are “second chance worthy”, but not Rush?…Fake reverand Al Sharpton can get into politics, but Limbag is out as an NFL owner?….Al Sharpton is perhaps THE biggest racist on this planet!(and a darn sizable hypocrite too).