It seems that everyone out there these days is raking in some dough from one class action suit or another. Smokers, fat people, gays, stupid people, women!; everyone is getting paid. Now I hate to jump on the band wagon, especially one that is so corrosive to the legal framework of this nation;….but there is one cause that I not only believe in but I also identify with as (potentially) extremely lucrative! A class action suit against the porn industry!!!
Allow me to explain. I will use myself as the case study example for convenience and simplicity. Back before my porn baptism, around age 14 or so, I was a fairly “naive” cat (Fairly, anyway). I could tug the wombat to the thought of my French teacher’s tighly outlined better side!….. Ah, how I miss those simple times.

But then as I grew older Lawrence Flint and the Internet made mass amounts of smut available to me with a few clicks of the mouse, things began to change. A brave new world of porn was opened up to me and I explored that new terrain with a gusto that would have impressed Lewis and Clark. The sexual future seemed bright indeed as I learned more about deep throating, daisy chained rug-munching lesbians, gangbangs and double penetration. My one-on-one sessions began to incorporate all of these righteous new novelties. I like to think of this as the Golden Age of my sexual enlightenment.

Then something “strangely”-strange happened. One day, some years ago, while sitting at my computer running both Bangboat and Edonkey simultaneously and downloading over two dozen different porn images, and ”personalizing” to German strudel-bang videos, I suddenly realized I was in fact addicted to porn!… And not “just” porn, but hard, hard-core porn. Quin(t)iple-X shit. I realized that I couldn’t remember the last time I made due to the thought of normal missionary sex that didn’t involve any battery-(or gas)powered gadgets, pimped out costumes, whips, lava lamps, and the like. In fact, I realized that it might just be impossible to get by with anything less than the image of an obese Hawaiian woman getting ganged by a bunch of midgets dressed up as Braveheart extras. What had become of me??!?!?!….. Desperate to prove to myself that I was still “normal,” I immediately ran to Valerie Abati’s house, and began to,..to…”go” at her in the most simple, unadulterated way. Things were going well and I almost felt normal until my imagination began to take over and all of a sudden the rest of the room was filled with imaginary bisexual women in Catholic school girl uniforms eating “bananas”, pausing only to slap my ass and egg me on with a hypnotic cheer. In that moment I realized that porn had poisoned me. I was no longer able to enjoy conventional sex for what it was. Porn had effectively diminished my ability to pursue happiness, a right expressly afforded to me by the constitution….the constitution, dammit!

Now, I know what you are thinking. This alone is not enough to win a court case. Negligence must be proven!… It must be proven that the creators and publishers of porn knew that their product could potentially harm the viewers.

I’ve got that angle figured out now too. Sure they might “claim” ignorance. “How could we know what the reaction of an individual, much less the masses, might be to exposure to our product?” I would counter this question with one of my own. “Are you telling me that the average male porn star who has just finished a filming shoot in which he strapped an eleven inch dildo to his forehead and slammed a girl in the bum with it while she gave head to a Dalmatian;…. are you telling me this guy can go home and have normal, conventional sex with his girlfriend, wife, or farm animal?” Hell no. He is addicted too. Everyone in the industry is addicted. The porn industry knew all along that its product was addictive and harmful to its viewers because they had had ample time to witness its destructive power within their own ranks. Those bastards have to pay!..pay ME! 

So join me, fellow porn addicts! Perverts, sodomites, Onanists; rally around my banner of sexual indignation! We must take to the streets and expose the porn industry for the chicken hawks they are! Let’s light up some torches and besiege the mighty porn citadel, drag that monster out into the light and demand what is owed to us! BIG MONEY!